JustAnotherFaithStory

Sometimes things just don't make sense.

2010-10-13T08:53:00.001-07:00

As much as I try to make sense of some of the things I've seen and experienced it just doesn't happen. Truth is, I don't think God wants everything to happen. It's discouraging to think so many kids die everyday who wouldn't if they had been given a meal. It's not your "responsibility" to give those starving kids a meal, but God blesses those of us who are born into privilege with the invitation and opportunities to literally save lives. Why would anyone pass by such an honor and gift. We have the means and education to hep, and yet today 16,000 kids will die from hunger-related causes. What can we do? Pray... give funds... and share their stories. And be blessed by what you are able to give. God saves so many of these kids through RHFH... and I know my year there has blessed me beyond words. I miss my life there daily when I read stories of the new kids in the Rescue Center. Licia's blog blesses me every time she posts with reminders of the world only 2 hours from the US.
http://haitirescuecenter.wordpress.com/
Take a minute today and read some of her posts...

prayer requests

2010-09-13T22:25:00.000-07:00

I don't really like blogging when I'm not in Haiti, mostly because I don't feel like I have anything worth sharing. I don't have kids in my life who need their stories told. When I'm not in Haiti I feel like I'm wasting away- like every day I'm here I take away from what God could be doing through me there. I have accepted that God can work through me here also, but actually embracing that is harder than just acknowledging it. I feel like people here just don't get me anymore. I'm not normal, I don't want to fit in, whatever that means anyways. My perspective on what my professors lecture on is SO far from what the students around me discuss that I don't even see a point in trying to give my view. Church isn't the same since Haiti. I just can't seem to relate to the "problems" that are preached about in churches here. I haven't connected with a college group, I haven't even tried. A couple of my friends listen and care about the person I really am (and I love them dearly)- but just meeting people is different now than before Haiti came into my life. People are either weirded out by my experiences or think it's such an "amazing" deed I have done. Neither of those are easy to deal with for me. The hardest being when people tell me what a great thing I've done in serving "those people." I have accepted that coming to the states after living in Haiti will never be easy; the fact that I accepted that might have actually made it easier than last time I returned. My expectations are low. School is interesting, kind of. I'd rather be in Haiti. My friends are more amazing than I could ask for. I still miss Haiti. Sometimes I wish God had waited to send me to Haiti until I could move there, but then I would be a completely different person.

I had a plan to be positive this year. I have done OK, this week has been a low point. I miss Haiti and need direction in school to feel like it's actually taking me somewhere. Would you mind praying for that for me? That God shows me his plan as far as school, and that I find a college group. I would appreciate it SO much.

I am hoping and planning to go back to Haiti during winter break for a visit. I CAN'T wait. I can't wait to see Darlens. I can't wait to hug Carmelo, Henley and Trey and hear their new school experiences. It's what I have to look forward to, so I can be thankful for that. Thanks for your prayers. They mean more to me than you know.

Who's fault is it then?

2010-07-14T17:57:00.000-07:00

Part of why it's been so hard for me to return home after being in Haiti is because I have to leave kids that I love. When I was at GLA, I cared for Berlancia the whole 9 months I was there. Every day, all day for 9 months. She was failure to thrive and had full blown AIDS when I met her. She was weak and behind developmentally. I loved her more than I have loved anyone in my life and when I left it was h.a.r.d. Then, about 2 months after I left, she died. I can't even describe how difficult that was for me. The guilt I felt for leaving was tearing at me and I hated myself for leaving when I didn't even want to. Everyone and their mother said they were sorry and that it wasn't my fault. That made it worse. If it's not my fault, who's was it? No one's? If I would have stayed, would she have lived? Who knows. If she was meant to die anyway then I just prolonged her suffering. She didn't have a mother to fight for her. I had the privilege of getting to fill that role for 9 months... then I left. I know that it wasn't my fault in the sense that i didn't cause her death or give her HIV or anything. But I did leave. Berlancia had a family waiting. An amazing, loving family. She would have had brothers and sisters and parents who would have taught her to walk with God. She was healthy- walking, laughing, starting to talk.

That family since has adopted another beautiful girl from GLA, who I also worked with. I don't have a single doubt in my mind that God planned for that girl to be in this family- they are a perfect match; but I can't help myself from thinking... what if. What if I had stayed and Berlancia hadn't died, and she had made it to the states and gotten the best medical care available. It kills me. So if there's that chance that I could have prevented that outcome by staying until she got home, then why isn't it my fault for leaving? I don't blame myself. But I think too many of us brought up with no doubt that we will have access to anything and everything we will ever need look at others who don't have that luxury, and overwhelmed by the needs, we justify not going above and beyond in helping and truly giving our lives and hearts and money, and whatever we can away because it really isn't our faults. We didn't choose for these kids/people to be suffering. But we CAN help. And when there is a need presented, if we get scared and turn away and say, well is not like we caused it, right?.... but what if we don't prevent something from happening that didn't have to.

When I left RHFH for Christmas, Nickenson (the little boy I had been caring for for 4 months) had a surgery for an abscess. He died on Christmas day. I wasn't there. I could not have done anything to prevent his death, but the person who he recognized and who loved him the most at that time in his life was not there.

I left Haiti yesterday. A little girl who had been living with me for the past couple weeks, Marie-Rose, died this morning. I don't blame myself but I also know that there was a small chance that if I had stayed she might have lived. Even if that chance was .00000000000000000001 percent, I wasn't there.

I have struggled with leaving Haiti every time and I know that me being there doesn't change the big picture. I am not solving the core of Haiti's problems. I am getting more out of my time there than anyone I am working with. But when I leave, and the kid that had been doing so well dies shortly after, how can I not wonder- what if...

Every time I have talked to anyone about trying to decide whether or not I should finish school, there is always the "you will have so much more to give" comment made. I get that. If I become a doctor I will be able to save people that would have for sure died without my expertise. If I became a Physical Therapist I could enrich the lives of people who otherwise might not reach half the potential they could have. But I have a passion for malnourished kids, and when I have lived with them and seen how much a place like RHFH can do for those kids, and that I can be a part of it, school just doesn't seem that important. Tomorrow, 16,000 children will die from hunger. There is plenty of resources to save their lives, but still, they will die. 90% of those kids would get better if someone fed them 3 meals a day and loved on them. There are the kids who need IVs, and more intense care... but malnutrition, despite the epidemic it is in third world countries, has such an easy solution: food. The work of caring for malnourished kids is never ending in Haiti. With all the amazing organizations and causes in the world working to save malnourished kids, how are there still 16,000 kids dying EVERY DAY.

I don't foresee in my lifetime all of Haiti's children having 3 balanced meals a day. Maybe I have lost hope, I think I am just realistic. I feel like God wants me home this year- I don't regret my decision to come back because if I had stayed, even if Marie-Rose had lived I wouldn't have felt like I was following God's plan for me. But imagine how weird that is for me- could it be that if I hadn't followed God's plan for me that Marie-Rose might have lived? It just doesn't seem right. But thats just it- this world is SO wrong, so full of sin and so unfair that there are people suffering as a result of how others live. I want to give God my all- that may include going to school even if it's not the first place I'd rather be. I don't know why, but I am going to give it a shot. I figure if I am home anyways I might as well go to school. I am hoping God gives me either a passion for a major that will allow me to give more of myself or give me peace in not finishing college. I feel like the world sees school as this enriching, enabling thing, and i just can't get on that bandwagon. I think knowledge is necessary to grow, but if we don't learn through Christ with a passion there's no point. Just like giving to others is something that makes us grow, but there is no point if it's not through Christ.

Change

2010-07-09T21:15:00.000-07:00

"You've changed." A phrase that has been thrown at me more than once since Haiti came into my life. People change... it happens. Life experiences change who we are, even if we don't recognize it. One of the hardest parts of going back to the states after living at GLA the year after high school was being able to relate to people. I have never been an emotional person or super good at really being able to listen to people, and since I've lived in Haiti that part of me hasn't gotten any better. The truth is, I could care less about so many things that I used to care about or even try to care about. When people complain about how tired they are or how long the line was at the store or the terrible traffic they sat in and so on I have a resentment toward them and toward their complaints. I think about an 11 pound 3 year old still fighting for life, or a 2 year old so dehydrated she barely has the strength to breath in-between vomiting worms and nonstop diarrhea; and 25 year old women with her limbs swollen because she couldn't feed herself and her children so she chose to feed her kids; and people who have lost everything and everyone and still have smiles on their faces to greet you, and the kids who died because they were just too far gone when they finally reached the clinic.

Sometimes I resent the US for all it has and for all other places don't have, and I try to detach myself from the "rich white girl" label because honestly, in my mind, it's embarrassing to me to be that (when I say rich I mean food/clothes/school opportunities/house/necessities have always been available and a constant for me). I hate that I have everything handed to me on a silver platter but at the same time I don't reject any of it. I love that I have options in life but the guilt I feel for falling short makes me defensive toward recognizing that; because I know how much others work and would kill to have what I have. I feel guilty for what I have been given and it's hard for me to adjust back into my privileged life in the states.

The worst part is how hypocritical I am in it all. I complain about stupid things all the time... I do the same things with my time and money that I get bothered by when other people do them. I fight with trying to lead a "normal life" when I go home and feeling guilty for everything "normal" I begin to do after a while. It's hard finding a balance between trying to get back into life in the states and feeling like Haiti is not being forgotten. My point in all this is: yes. I have changed. I will have a hard time adjusting. I will sound and act like I hate the US at times. Really, I just hate myself for not yet figuring out how to use my privileged life to help others. Last year was the hardest year of my life. Truth is, I am out of my comfort zone in the states any more. Socializing and being anywhere without a sick kid to take care of is hard and unrewarding to me. I have a hard time finding purpose outside of Haiti. Long term goals seem so hard to take part in when I have been blessed enough to be a part of the day-by-day fight for the life of some amazing kids. I feel like going to school makes me just another person to check the Successful Education bubble off the American Dream checklist; but I realize that if this is God's plan for me, to finish college, he will be able to use me even more than now. A good attitude is harder said than done.

I know a bad attitude toward life back in the states did nothing for me last year, and after the earthquake I anticipate it being even harder to leave where I feel completely at home. I want to make the best of what God has given me and work in and through Him wherever I am. I leave Haiti on Tuesday and it will not be easy or fun, but a good attitude could make all the difference in this next year. A lot of people think I don't want to share about Haiti or seem to think it is a sensitive subject. Truth is, it's my life- it's all I think about, dream for and love... I wish I could continue to talk the way I do here about things, but the culture and lifestyle in the states is so different that it's hard for me to share with people who have never experienced Haiti. Talking about babies dying as a normal occurrence is not normal in the states... the way I am with kids is different here than with kids in the states. The things I deal with on a daily basis here are things most people in my life have never had to think about... sickness, caring for kids whos limbs are so swollen from kwash that they are splitting open, maintaining IVS, cleaning up who knows how many diapers a day full of diarrhea, teaching(which I have loved), dealing with kids after they die, forcing kids to eat, trying to bond with a kid who has been neglected for years, waking up to feed kids every night and checking to see if they are breathing every time I go by them. These are the things that have become my normal- and I LOVE every minute of this lifestyle because God has given me a huge passion for the kids here.

I want to share that with my friends and family at home but at the same time I feel weird talking about my life here because it makes so many people sad or unomfortable- and then I feel like I am misrepresenting Haiti. Haiti is one of the most beautiful, most rich places I have been and I have been blessed immeasurably by my life here. I want everyone to know and see that but first I have to be comfortable sharing with others when they ask... I was not able to do that last year for many reasons but I am praying that I grow in that area. If you wouldn't mind praying for me as I adjust I would appreciate it so much. I am excited about what next year will bring and don't want a bad attitude to get in the way of whatever God has in store for me. I have changed, and I hope to continue to change as God breaks and molds me... it's just hard going back and being a different person in a life that in many ways is the same as when I left.

Hard Decisions

2010-06-07T13:31:00.000-07:00

So in deciding a big decision in my life I've found myself completely lost and confused. My heart and my gut feeling are at war. I had to decide whether to stay here or to leave and go back to school next year... So many times I've felt 100% sure that I would be here next year. It feels right here. I love the people, life and work I do here. But then something in me- my gut would turn on me and confuse the heck out of me. Being raised in a society where almost everyone says to follow your heart didn't help in this decision. If I followed my heart I would be in Haiti for the rest of my life, and I would never reach out to anyone or anything uncomfortable for me. My heart doesn't like change, doesn't like different, and doesn't like life outside of Haiti anymore. Last year ALL I wanted was to be back in Haiti forever. I prayed for a sure sign and place to go to. Then I got the perfect opportunity and committed within a week of hearing of RHFH... it couldn't have been more perfect for me- I love the Betor family like my own and everything I've gotten to do with and for them. I love RHFH and the work they do in Haiti is amazing and I want to be a part of their work here as long as God allows. What I have been struggling with is whether more school is in God's plan for me or not. And honestly, all the prayer and thinking and late night worrying has done nothing for me.

Licia and I agreed that I would let her know my decision by May 15th. I want so much to stay here next year. Every emotion in me and everything in my heart screams to never leave Haiti again- because last year was the hardest year of my life. And yet, something in me feels like I have to go to school. That something holds zero reason or passion, and still, I have decided to leave next year. I am not happy about it. I don't have peace with my decision. I don't feel like I need school to be happy, to be smart or to be able to help people. But something in me feels like I have to try one more time... so I will. I don't know if its God calling me or if I am just going crazy but for whatever reason I can't shake the gut feeling... it's still hard thinking about the decision I made- I shocked myself when I said it outloud to Licia.

So July 12th I leave here and don't know when I'll be back.And I will make the best of it- I will try to be a better sister/ daughter/ friend/ student/ person and most of all Christian next year and do my best to make the best out of a decision that I am not quite positive why I am choosing. It will be hard. I know it will kill me some days not being where my heart is and feeling like my life is not where it should be. But I also know that if I don't do this I might have regrets and I believe God is in this decision- maybe He is just testing me to see if I will follow Him wherever He leads... I have never had to make a decision like this where my gut feeling interferes with my emotions. Going to Haiti instead of college straight out of high school was a big decision- but I was excited for it and felt like it was where I was called to. I am feeling called back to the states but not excited about it. My prayer is that wherever God wants me, that is where my heart will also want to be. It sure is easier that way... I guess I just have to learn to trust that no matter where I am, He will make things work out in His timing. So here's to doing my best to stay positive and cherish my last month and a half here... and start planning a trip back of course!

Side note: My mom and sister are coming for two weeks from June 24th- July 7th. I am beyond excited. Really really really stinking excited. My mom visited GLA while I was living there but she's never been to RHFH. My sister has never been to Haiti and I'm stoked she's coming. I can't wait! :D

WAY late flag day pics

2010-06-01T08:00:00.000-07:00

For Flag Day here in Haiti, Carmelo and I made a pinata to take over to the RC and have a party. We made a Haiti flag and it took 3 days of that being our art hour to finish- we will never make a pinata like this again... but it was worth it :) We strung streamers, set up a safe-ish area for the onlookers and hung the pinata...

The kids had a blast hitting it and when everyone had a turn it was time to bring in the RC ladies in to finish the job. I think they might have had more fun than the kids ;)

...and finally the candy!

The boys and I made red and blue frosting to put on the brownies for the party, it was a hit.

and not one kid went to bed without running circles for hours and then passing out in a sugar coma. God is good and life is beautiful. Haiti will always be where my heart is...

Happy Flag Day Ayiti!!

2010-05-18T20:11:00.000-07:00

Today is/was flag day in Haiti. It was a perfect day- we made a flag pinata and haiti brownies in school and set up a party at the rescue center. We had diri blan ak sos pwa (white rice and bean sauce- my fav. Haitian meal) for lunch, and I dressed up Darlens and took him on our walk (I often leave him here) and did a mini Haiti photo shoot on a bench in the middle of Haiti's beautiful mountains in honor of flag day... I'm too lazy to put a post together with details and pics from today- that is to come. For now, enjoy these pics of Darlens deciding to mess up the photo shoot by eating the one thing I'd rather him NOT eat :)

God made dirt...

and dirt don't hurt...

but it sure doesn't taste good! (or have any calories... dang it!)

On a side note- Darlens has had 3 good eating days in a row- praise God! Thanks for all you who are praying for him. God is good... always :)

a little more about Darlens...

2010-05-14T11:24:00.000-07:00

I have gotten a bit of feedback/advice on my rant from yesterday- thanks :) I want you to know that I do understand that the gagging is completely a conrtol issue (for Darlens) and not an actual gag reflex. I understand that, even if subconsciously, he wants what he wants and he will do what works to get that. I understand that my reaction to these power struggles are majorly affecting his behavior. I would label him failure to thrive. Berlancia was "failure to thrive" but once she got attached to me (which took months) she would do anything to please me. Ex: If I wanted her to eat and gave her good feedback, she would smile, stuff her face and be happy, and then gain weight. I was able to get to the point where I understood Berlancia's body (she had AIDS) so well that I was able to control her fevers by knowing her behavior days before and keeping sure she was keeping hydrated/eating yogurt. It prevented her from getting sick. It worked for her while I was there... I don't know the science of why, but it did. It took a long time to get to that point, but I was fortunate enough to get to know her like that and for whatever reason it worked for us. Nickenson had gag reflexes which were more of a tolerance issue than a control issue. Once I figured that out I was able to feed him a little at a time more frequently and he started to do better. I know neither of these kids are comparable to Darlens, but identifying the natural gag reflex vs control gag is what I have learned from them. (yes- both of those kids died. no- neither child's COD had to do with the fact that they wouldn't eat. I got past that point with both of them before they died).

I understand that the fact that Darlens has been neglected and starved for three years makes him unusual and that "normal" care/punishment/treatment will not work on him. My dilemma is I don't think there is one "right" solution for kids like him. Every kid is different and I believe each child is different in the way they respond to things. Despite my many attempts/efforts, I have not found the one that works for him. What I know for sure is that if I don't get him stronger/fatter/more mobile he will continue to fall back and, if he lives, will be even more mentally and physically handicapped than he already is. I don't want that to happen. But at the same time I want him to live (obviously).
So, how do you get a child to eat when they don't want to? I tried tubing him but it didn't seem to make much of a difference. One day it would work great and the next he would see the food going down the tube and throw up. Ok... so I tried when he was asleep. He's a sensitive sleeper. Fail. He has control over his own body. I need to find a way to manipulate him into wanting to eat when I need him to. If he doesn't want to eat and I put food in his mouth he holds it there for HOURS. And then drools it out when he falls asleep. If he chooses to eat, he'll chew it and then decide when he's done. The amount of food he can stomach is not an issue: today he ate 2 eggs, 3 crackers, and milk with yogurt all in the same hour. That was this morning and it is still in him. Yesterday he ate a bite of eggs and when I gave him another bite he threw it all up and then proceeded to refuse to not eat/drink a single thing all day except for if I gave him straight pedialyte. My enthusiasm with him eating (positive reinforcement) does not seem to bring anything new into the control game we play. If I yell at him or smack him on the cheek while he gags he stops and doesn't throw up; but that is (debatably) a hindrance to his psych issues with food.
So a summary on him: I know it's not an actual food tolerance issue since some days he is able to eat anything and everything with no gag reflex. After a good day he decides he doesn't want anything but his orange flavored pedialyte. He refuses to drink anything else. He refuses to eat anything else.I have tried mixing things with pedialyte and tried not doing it in front of him and he notices, and gags. He wants what he wants and his whole life has conditioned him to win at the food power struggle. If it's one of his "refusal to eat" days, I can refuse to give him pedialyte in hopes that he will eat/drink other stuff so that he gets the calories he needs, but he just opts out of eating/drinking at all. After all, he is 3 years old and came here weighing 11.4 pounds. It's not like the kid isn't used to not eating for days and days. SO. My options are- 1. let him not eat and wonder if after a couple days he will eat whatever I give him and 2. give him the pedialyte and get those calories down him and keep him hydrated and hope something changes with time.
Neither of these have worked yet. I need an option 3. Anyone???

Excuse me while I rant for a moment...

2010-05-13T19:38:00.000-07:00

Darlens is killing me. I don't understand him and why one day he can eat a sandwich and eggs and a yogurt and crackers and rice and jello, and the next day he cant keep down one single thing. Most kids I've taken care of like this are very special in their needs but there is some sort of pattern, some consistency which once discovered makes caring for them a bit more easy and predictable. He only ever wants pedialyte(sp?) and if he sees me pouring anything but that into his bottle, he gags and proceeds to throw up the entire contents of his stomach. Ummmm, I'm not very smart but that just isn't normal or right. He is 3 years old and acts that age when it comes to getting spoiled and wanting what he wants, but he can't do anything but sit there. He hates to use his legs. I make him use his legs for at least 45 min a day now (standing/jumper/working on movement) but he is starting to throw tantrums (yes tantrums- no tears involved)and I am hoping it stops- it's not the best background noise for school. I am able to leave him alone because of his immobility... otherwise I'm pretty sure I would have gone insane by now. He only will make one noise: hmmm... hmmmm... hmmm... hmmm... hmmm... hmmmm... hmmm. Humming. ALL DAY&NIGHT LONG. And I'm not talking a soothing humm. I'm talking you tell an ornery kid not to hum in the car and they do an in.your.face HUUUUMMMMM. Seriously, the kid will be passed out in his bed at 11pm and then all the sudden from his crib comes a hmm.. hmmm...hmmm... hmmm... and there he is, humming. This happens about 20 times throughout the night. I have learned to sleep through most of it but honestly, for such a little dude he's got an impressive set of humming chords. Because that's apparently all they do... and his poop. Let's not even go there. This kid is crazy, and apparently it's contagious. Well, at least he's happy; most of the time...

He's dang lucky he's cute.

disclaimers:
yes i love him
yes i understand he is this way because of what he's been through
yes i know i chose to care for him
yes i want to wring his neck sometimes. Oh wait, thats not a disclaimer... honesty time! ;)

What we learned in art today...

2010-05-12T14:15:00.000-07:00

art is (very) fun!

kids who eat paint are losers...
kids who can't hold their pencils get them taped to their hands...

purse your lips to hold a mustache...

well, maybe Trey didn't master that today. There's always tomorrow...

I love my job :)

Aprons!

2010-05-12T05:16:00.000-07:00

A while back we put out a request for new aprons for the Rescue Center staff on the blog. SO many people responded and we are thankful for all of you who helped in sewing these for them! They take pride in the aprons and I've noticed most of them have their favorites and wear the same one often :) These aprons are worn daily and are much appreciated- thanks to everyone who helped, either by having a sewing day at your church or tackling a few at home!

The one sewing day I went to was at Fair Oaks Press at Christmas time... everyone was so happy to sew for these ladies... thanks to Fair Oaks Pres and all the other churches taking up projects like these. You rock :)

Briana

2010-04-25T15:51:00.000-07:00

Sometimes, because I live with these kids, and see them every day- i forget how far they have come. I forget how much they suffered. I forget what a miracle each of them are. I forget why I feel so close to each and every one of them. Then I randomly go through my pictures and think to myself oh my gosh... how could I have forgotten.

Briana came to RHFH shortly after I got here, in September. She was d.i.s.g.u.s.t.i.n.g... emaciated, scabby from her scabies, and miserable. She had a fever all the time. I remember taking her a couple times up to my room and just sitting being with her. Struggling to hold and love her. She was not cute. She was not cuddly. She didn't smile. She had diarrhea and skin infections oozing. She was the second kid that I have come across in Haiti that took conscious effort to love.

I think of God, and how he loves every single person on this earth without fail. Think about that... there are a lot of nasty people in this world. There are a lot of people that straight up reject Him and He still loves them. How many times do I do stuff for selfish reasons, or out of complete ignorance and he still loves me. And I think of how many times I fail to love like He would. How many times I pick to spend my time with people I enjoy loving. The thing is, that's not what life as a Christian is about. One of my struggles is keeping people in my life that aren't people I have a lot in common with. I don't always work to have relationships with people for the sake of loving them. In the states I hang out with people I respect, look up to and in general people that I naturally like. I don't always reach out and try to be a friend to anyone who I don't "click" with because, well... that's uncomfortable. And I like things comfortable... but honestly, how many people can you truly affect if they aren't out of your comfort zone.

Briana was out of my comfort zone. She was hard to spend time with- it was not enjoyable for me. One of the day staff in the RC, Jocelyn, spend most of her time holding Briana and talking to her, loving her, feeding her. She loved Briana with the same love that God has for us. Briana is now one of the chunkiest little girls in the RC. Constantly smiling, and has come so far developmentally.

The staff here are angles for doing what they do day in and day out. Loving someone without feeling love for them at first is one of the hardest things I've ever done. Berlancia was my first experience with that. I was asked to take her all day every day when I volunteered at GLA. She was failure to thrive, she was not attaching to me like my other kids were. She was hard to love. It took patience, lot of time and perseverance. Berlancia ended up to be the best thing that ever happened to me. She changed my life and who I am. 9 months with her and I knew how it felt to love unconditionally- like God loves us. That is how Briana was loved by Jocelyn, and there is no better proof of God's love than the current pics of her:

Guess who his first haircut! :)

2010-04-19T17:57:00.001-07:00

Welcome to Cazale!

2010-04-18T15:57:00.000-07:00

We almost always have bananas in Cazale- and they are SOO good. There's also almost plantains- best described (by me) as the banana's brother. They are really good boiled in soup or flattened and fried.

Breadfruit is known as the "poor man's" food, but only because there is an abundance of them. I think they are delicious- they have the same texture as potatoes but have a unique flavor.
Mangos in Haiti are absolutely amazing. If you think you have tasted a mango and you've never been to Haiti you are mistaken. So come in mango season and see for yourself!!

Random picture of cactus follows:

Hope your Sunday was relaxing and rejuvenating for the week to come!

Handing out dolls

2010-04-17T15:25:00.000-07:00

We received 2 bags full of handmade dolls to hand out to kids, so yesterday I went back to Lori's and let each kid living there pick one out. Then I took a walk with Dalissa- a 6 year old living back at Lori's house and we handed them out to kids we came across on our walk. At one point we didn't even have to walk because so many kids were finding us! Each child got to pick their new doll- all of them had a different idea of which one was most beautiful. A couple kids were timid, and wouldn't come to me to get their doll so Dalissa picked one out for them and I sat and watched as she got to give the child their new toy. I noticed that she would always pick out a doll that matched whatever color that child was wearing if they didn't want to come to me. So cute :)

Lots of time and love put into making these dolls. Thanks to everyone who takes and effort to make things for the kids... they are much appreciated and well used!

Catching Up with Witlene and What I Love Today

2010-04-16T17:58:00.001-07:00

This is Witlene. I met her in Indiana while she was out on a medical visa getting a tumor removed from her head, and I was there watching 1/2 of Rebekah's kids while she was at make-a-wish Disney World with her older kids. Witlene is hilarious and adorable and I had fun getting to speak Creole with her while in Indiana while I was feeling so homesick for Haiti last year. She's very educated and so is her family; they all live in Port-au-Prince. Their house fell in the earthquake but fortunately none of her immediate family died. She was attending college and her whole school collapsed burying almost all her teachers and classmates. She is waiting for an opportunity to go back to school but can't find anywhere yet- she is 27 years old. She wants 2 kids - twins (boy & girl) and wants to get pregnant after she gets married to her boyfriend when she's 29 so she has her kids when she's 30. Today she came to pick up meds that Rebekah gave to me to bring back for her when I was picking up Denel on my way back to Haiti on this last trip back. She spent half the day here and we got to talk and I showed her around... she had never heard of Cazale before! It was fun catching up with her and getting to know her better.

She was showing me pictures that Rebekah had taken and posted on facebook- she told me how much she loved the black and white photos. So we took this pic and I opened my editing program and let her go at it- this is the end result :)

I love the fact that I know enough Creole now to be able to get to know someone more than how they are and their name and the simple conversations needed to take care of kids. I'm just getting to the point where I can go and sit with the patients at Lori's house, or the staff in the RC and just talk, joke, and be friends rather than being the white girl who visits once and a while. I'm nowhere near completely fluent but I get by :) They teach me words and are always patient explaining stuff to me if I don't understand. They tease me and I tease them. The longer I'm here the more I understand about the people, and the more they open up and treat me as an equal. I love that.

I love that people no longer move out of the way when they see me coming.

I love that, while I still am the white girl, most people in the community know me as my name now instead of "blan" (white), even if I've never met them.

I love that when I go hang out with the patients at Lori's house they no longer all ask me how my day is and rather they ask me how long I can hang out.

I love that kids that used to be scared of me are finally coming around and wanting to sit with me and take walks.

I love where I'm at and I love the fact that God put me here.

I love that I have bad/sick days because the next day everything seems 10 times more beautiful.

I love my family.

I love that my sister and I are starting to grow as sisters and become good friends.

I love that I have NEVER felt alone because I was raised knowing Jesus is always there, no matter what.

I love knowing I have so much to learn about life and God.

I love the fact that I have such amazing friends who support my (weird) life-style, and are there for me after months of not hearing from me.

I love that I feel like my life can go in whatever direction I choose, and I hate that other people don't have that luxury. I love that I have the option of helping others gain that luxury... I hate that I don't daily take advantage of the stuff I have been blessed with by blessing others. I love that God is giving me direction and showing me what I need to do to better help others...

What do you love today?

Admitting Children into the RC

2010-04-15T11:58:00.001-07:00

Just thought I'd go through explaining the process of admitting a child into the Rescue Center. Today Yolande Pierre came through the clinic. Her Dad brought her because she is swollen. He did not understand why she was swollen. Her mom stayed home with her 3 siblings.

Benita, one of the nurses in the clinic mostly takes the infant/children patients that come through clinic... Usually the parent does not come with the intention of leaving their child at the RC. Many of them do not know their kid is sick because of malnutrition. Benita always educates the patients on why the child is malnourished- and if he/she has kwash, what makes them swell up. There are handouts passed out informing the parent of what kind of foods are best to prevent this (foods with high protein) and finds out their history... if she thinks all the parent needs is time to get back on their feet, or if the child will die if they aren't admitted, Benita talks to the parent about the RC. She tells them it would be a temporary placement for their child to heal and that once they are healthy that they will be sent home. If the parent agrees to leaving their kid with us Benita comes and gets one of us. After seeing the child and questioning the parent we either admit the kid or have Benita talk to the parent about how they can help their child get well. This decision usually depends on how much space there is in the RC, how bad the kid is, and the situation/attitude of the parents. If we think the kid isn't that bad and that education was enough for the parent to be able to care for the kid usually we hold off on taking them right away. They are always told to return if their child doesn't get better or gets even worse. If the child is bad enough to admit we take pictures of the kid, and pics of whoever brought them and then take them to the RC where Riclane, the head of the day shift in the RC admits them.

There is a form with any/all info we would need about the child (full name/DOB/hometown/cell number of parents/# of siblings etc) and the parents are told to come visit their kid often. Once that is done the child is bathed and officially "in." :) Most of the kids have a hard time adjusting at first (duh) but within a couple days to a week are smiling and happy.

THANK YOU!!!

2010-04-14T17:10:00.000-07:00

http://haitirescuecenter.wordpress.com/2010/04/14/thank-you-3/

I know for a fact a lot of my families and friends donated to this- can't tell you how much I appreciate you all supporting Haiti right now. I love you all.

Kervenson update

2010-04-14T14:29:00.000-07:00

When Kervenson came in I wrote this post: http://hisfaithfuldoaf.blogspot.com/search?q=kervenson

Today, I took these pics:

Bit of a different kid, huh? Kervenson is the sweetest little guy ever and was the worst kwash case I have personally seen. It's been encouraging seeing him healing- what a fast transformation. It's truly amazing what the human body can tolerate and come back from in such a short amount of time.

Matthew 14:14 And when Jesus went out He saw a great multitude; and He was moved with compassion for them, and healed their sick.

Oh hello good looking...

2010-04-13T16:42:00.000-07:00

Remember him?

Well he's doing just fine. Not gaining weight as fast as I'd like (because I'm somewhat impatient) but he's pretty darn cute :) He has only gained 2 pounds since he came (almost 3 months ago) but he looks so much better (if that counts for anything). He can't crawl or walk but we are working on muscle tone- he will stand while holding onto something and sit up by himself. He is my life right now- he's been staying up with me and he literally turns circles in his crib at night- it's amazing he doesn't get dizzy. Love this kid...

...and LICIA AND THE BOYS COME BACK IN ONE WEEK!!! I'm a little excited. A lot excited. Very excited. Super excited. It feels like forever since I've seen Trey, Henley and Carmelo. It will be nice to get back into the swing of things!

Step by step

2010-04-12T13:06:00.000-07:00

The needs in Haiti are overwhelming and it's hard to focus on where you can help. I say we all take it step by step. Nothing we do will make things get better fast, but if everyone decides to take small actions to give then step by step we will make a difference. Let's start with this...

There are two girls (Fed & Brit) who went out on medical visa in 2008 and their families are in need of new houses due to the earthquake... you can read their stories here: http://haitirescuecenter.wordpress.com/2010/04/07/opportunity-to-assist-with-housing-for-2-families/

My challenge to everyone reading is to choose one meal where you would have gone out for dinner and spent five times what the food is worth, and instead invite a friend/couple/family member over and make a meal for them instead. Donate the money you saved to Fed and Brit's new homes- it's a win-win, you get to bless these girls and their families, and you get to bless someone you appreciate by cooking them a meal and enjoying spending time with them! :)

If you are interested in donating toward the costs of these houses being built here is a link to the woman who hosted these girls while they were out on visas. She has been trying to raise the money to make this happen and is just over half way to her goal of $6,000

http://twohaitianprincesses.blogspot.com/

Thanks for chipping away at the overwhelming needs with me one step at a time.

Some of our surroundings

2010-04-12T08:26:00.000-07:00

Right in front of the RC is where lots of action goes on. There are stands selling all the necessities and people selling fried street food (yum!) or cold drinks. This is also the location where you can catch a tap-tap, either a motorcycle or a truck if you need to get anywhere. There is the trash burning station and an area where you can go watch movies on Friday nights. There are always people outside the gate just hanging out and always some sort of action going on.

Also in front of the gate is the river... this is where all the water is pumped from for the clinic and RC. It's such a blessing to have unlimited water! These pics are taken from in front of the new RC, the old location is just down the street.
During the flood in 2008, the bridge from the river was completely demolished. There has been progress made on building up the sides of the river with huge metal cages filled with rocks. This is the current "bridge" used to cross the river. Many people still just walk through the water to get to the other side.

The cages are good for more than just holding up the river... they provide a nice flat surface to dry the clothes after washing them in the river

There is a new bridge being build so people can drive across instead of through. Right now the river is split in half- these guys are riding on the stretch of land in the middle of it.

Every Day

2010-04-11T14:43:00.000-07:00

Every day I wake up and realize...

what a blessing it is to be called to somewhere that I love so much,

with people who make my life so much better,

and who teach me what true love really looks like,

and what true determination and healing looks like,

and I know that no matter where God takes me in life I will always call Haiti my home and the people here my family. God has given me so much more than I deserve and I will continue to serve him as He leads me....

because without Him I would be lost.

Bedtime in the RC

2010-04-10T19:50:00.000-07:00

Bedtime is a combination of baths after dinner and putting clean clothes on and all clean diapers and setting up beds for all the kids and putting mats on those beds and putting blankets on the mats and getting the crazy hectic kids settled down and asleep. Some are out cold the second they hit their bed, others are being dezoid (naughty) and running around testing limits. Most nights there are a couple that just aren't that tired right away and I have fun getting to lay with them, and not have all the rest bombarding me. Bedtime is one of the cutest times of the RC... little kids snoring, sprawled out and falling asleep sitting up (you know, where they almost fall over until finally someone lays their head down) :)

Some of the kids snuggle up together, leaving their bed empty... pretty darn adorable if you ask me.

Wilbert was having a hard time going to bed last night...

Deny and Geowel snuggled up and passed out :)
Stanley won the "ornery kid of the night" award last night. He would NOT lay down, problem is he knows he's cute. haha

Amonise is our littlest baby right now and she just started to smile a couple weeks ago, she is precious! She came in with kwash and is on our MM program, and gaining week by week!

Double-decker cribs:

Milienne and Berline were smiling big and literally 2 minutes after I took this they were out cold.
:)

Saturdays at the RC

2010-04-10T14:56:00.001-07:00

Every Saturday around 3:00pm all the kids get weighed. It usually takes about an hour and a half. All the kids on the Medika Mamba program are measured also. There are groups A-F in the Rescue Center and the kids are brought out according to their groups. Most of them get used to it after a couple of weeks here and know the system. At the new RC I've been weighing by a staircase where the kids are told to sit and wait for their turn. Its a bit chaotic but it works pretty well :) All but 3 kids in the RC gained this week. Praise God!

After I weigh the kids, I do data imput for the Medika Mamba(MM) program. Each child on it has a chart, and after switching the pounds to kilograms, I place them on a standard deviation chart and record it in a spreadsheet. We keep track of the edema for the children with kwash as well. Factors such as fevers, diarrhea, vomiting, and whether the kid is finishing their daily dose of MM are also recorded weekly. The Standard Deviation (SD) chart is arranged by age groups and sex. Many of the children with kwash will come in as a 3SD for kids their age because of the swelling. While losing their water weight they go down to -3SD, and then begin gaining. Many of the kids with marasmus don't even make it on the chart when they are first admitted to the program. For example, Darlens (who has been on the Medika Mamba program for 11 weeks now) is still not yet a -3SD, although he has gained over 2 kg since he came.

Every week I make a new bowl for each child on the program, as their amounts change by their weight change. New kids are admitted weekly and as children reach the median for their age group for weight and height they are graduated from the program so every week there is a different amount of kids on the program and MM used. This week there will be 23 kids on the program (23 bowls that I refill with their daily dose of Medika Mamba each night). The most we've had on the program at one time was 34 kids. Our little babies with kwash or marasmus are placed on the program and the peanut butter is mixed with their milk. The kids are fed the MM before breakfast, at 10:00am, before lunch, at 3:00pm, before dinner and after if they havn't finished their bowl by then. They also eat the meals provided at the RC. There is no lack of calories available to these kiddos!

I'm thankful to be a part of the work RHFH does in Cazale, and for all they offer to the people of Haiti. I couldn't feel more blessed to be where I am at this year! These kids have become my life since the earthquake and God continues to teach me through them. On the 20th Licia and the boys will come back and I can't express how excited I am. It will be nice to get back into the swing of things, and get to teach the boys again :)

COL 3:15  Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one  body you were called to peace. And be thankful.

Straight up proud...

2010-04-09T17:00:00.000-07:00

of myself for blogging so much today. It's not my favorite thing to do but I've managed to whip posts out, even through pics failing to upload 4 times before they finally do a couple hours later. Anyway, now that I'm done gloating... here's a link to the RHFH blog post I did today about... well nevermind- I'm not telling you, go see for yourself :)

http://haitirescuecenter.wordpress.com/2010/04/09/nalie/

Hope your weekend is wonderful!

Meal Time in the RC

2010-04-09T10:13:00.001-07:00

Three times a day the amazing kitchen staff from the Rescue Center prepares meals for all the kids. The meals are very Haitian. Breakfast may be spaghetti with hot dogs in it, or a home-made cream of wheat. Lunch and dinner are usually some combination of rice and beans with a sauce made from tomato paste, veggies and meat. They have snacks also, usually crackers/bread with peanut butter or cookies or the in-season fruit. Right now we have a lot of donated ensure pudding that they have been enjoying for snacks now and then- packed with calories! Meal time is never clean, just try to imagine 60 kids eating spaghetti :) The kids get a bath after every meal and all the tables and the ground are washed down after. A lot of the kids eat the meat first, they crave the protein. Then the rice. Most of them finish their bowls, which seem to be as big as their heads :)

Praising God today for all the donations RHFH receives to be able to support feeding these kids 3 balanced meals a day. Most Haitians have one and they usually don't have the luxury of meat, as its more expensive.

Haiti to CA to IN to Haiti

2010-04-08T11:29:00.000-07:00

I know it's been a while, there's no excuse coming- just a reason. I was tired. I took a technology break. Got sick of feeling like I was wasting time waiting for the internet to work or just being online when I have better things to spend my time on. But this morning I took a walk. One of those perfect, long, gorgeous, sunny, breezy walks where the world and nature amaze me. During that walk my mom called and I talked to her for a long time without interruptions and she suggested that I blog. So this is for you, mom.

So once Licia came back after her 3 weeks out with the boys I went home (Sacramento) for a week and had an AMAZING time. I was tired. Living outside with 60 kids and all the stuff that comes with that while preparing the house we are going to move into took it's toll on me, the week away was much needed. I spent my first three nights watching my sister perform as Gertrude in Seussical the Musical (which if you havn't seen this musical yet, you must) and she rocked it. Best actress on stage hands down. Then chilled with family and friends and relaxed and had a downright great time. Then I stopped through Indiana on the way back and got to stay with my other family, the Hubleys (movingmountainshubleystyle.blogspot.com/) for a weekend. Had a fantastic time seeing them and their adorable kids, including Jonas- the kid I posted about a couple weeks back. God's kind of cool how he works- little did I know then, I would get to see that little guy in person again :) I was in Indiana picking up a blind man, Denel, to escort back to Haiti after having been out on a medical visa since before the earthquake.

You can read his story here:

http://handsthatheal-mk1618b.blogspot.com/2009/12/denel.html

We both had guitars and backpacks, and remember he's blind- we were quite a spectacle getting around in the airports. People stare WAY too much. Oh well... It was a smooth trip until we got to the airport and had to wait 2 and 1/2 hrs for our luggage in a hot packed room. But we got here and got all 6 of our bags the same day :) His sister, who worked at the orphanage I spent 9 months volunteering at, picked him up, teary eyed, and thanking me for bringing him back to Haiti. He was happy to see her and excited to be back but sad to leave the states. In his luggage was a (giant) tent and all the supplies he and his family would need to get situated into a tent city. I feel blessed to have the opportunity to help in situations like these and to get to meet the people I come across.

Being back has been good. Licia and I passed each other in the air, she left to go to Indiana and when she comes back she will bring her boys back. Things have been MUCH easier/smooth now that the kids are in a house and everything is running really well. I am getting sleep (yay!) and have more energy with everything here. I missed the kids when I was out and every day hanging with them has been a blessing. Darlens was pretty sick when I got back and he went on IV for 3 days and now hes back in the race. I came back with a cold and took it easy for 2 days nice and drowsy from all the cough medicine. Roberta (http://www.artistsforhope.blogspot.com/) and her husband, Chris, came to paint murals on the new Rescue Center. The three of us sat for 3 days straight painting, laughing, singing to our I-pods blasting, and joking.... finally on Tuesday we were done. They left this morning and will be missed :) Here's the final result of our work!

For those of you wondering what you can do, there is still progress on getting a container from MN to Haiti. Debbie Woodward is the wonderful woman making this happen, check out her blog about this process, and if you are interested in helping her or sending supplies contact her through the contact info on the side of her blog! http://heretohaiti.tumblr.com/ Thanks!

Nadine

2010-03-16T13:49:00.000-07:00

Guess who came to visit today? This is Nadine- Darlens' sister. She is adorable and I was so happy I got to meet her... especially since I'm leaving tomorrow for a week. I'll be in Sacramento to see my sister in her high school musical and I'm SO excited... maybe I'll get some posts in with all the free time :)

Blessed

2010-03-11T13:04:00.000-08:00

I had the privilege of being this little stud's volunteer at GLA. And then I had the privilege of getting to know his whole family in Indiana when they flew me out there. The friendships I have made since I came to Haiti are some of my most cherished ones and I feel blessed to be a part of some truly amazing people's lives. Rebekah, Jonas' adoptive mom, is mother of 5, one still in China waiting to come home. Check out her fantastic blog for more pics of Jonas in his new converse :) (this post made my day). Thanks & love you Rebekah!!!!

http://movingmountainshubleystyle.blogspot.com/

Kervenson

2010-03-03T16:27:00.000-08:00

Hi. My name is Kervenson. I came to clinic today and was immediately spotted by the white people there because of my extreme malnutrition due to a lack of protein... a lot of the visiting doctors today had never heard of kwash and they were all looking at me. My Aunt brought me and I am very sick. My body is rotting and the fluid collecting in my body is causing my skin to break down. My limbs and face are swollen and my flesh is raw. It hurts, and when I am not crying I am sleeping. I ate some Medika Mamba today and drank some juice. My stomach couldn't handle it and I threw up. When people touch me it hurts so much, but I love being held. My eyes are almost swollen shut and crying makes them swell up even more.

Busy Thursday

2010-02-25T07:02:00.000-08:00

Casey (Licia and Lori's brother) is visiting for a week and brought a flip video with him for RHFH to use. It's awesome!!

This morning I woke up to this outside our gate... (warning: there's a shot of a woman with no shirt on because of medical purposes- all is shown). It is Thursday, so last day of clinic for the week and we must have had 200 people sleeping out side last night. This is over an hour before clinic opened... more people were arriving as I shot this.

I moved the 4 worst kids into a tent that I'm living in right next to the rest of the kids, so that they can get better rest and more isolated care. 2 of them are on IVs, and 2 are on feeding tubes. Keeping them hydrated is a full time job for everyone here. The 2 are kwash kids and not doing great, please pray for them. Darlens was really sick, but this morning seems to be getting better, and Stanley- a little boy who had been seizing gave me a high five when I rolled out of bed :)

heres a link to the Rescue Center blog for a tour of RHFH from Casey and a little video about Darlens:

http://haitirescuecenter.wordpress.com/

A Letter to the Tectonic Plates of Haiti

2010-02-22T07:34:00.000-08:00

Dear Plate Tectonics,

The people of Haiti have been living outside, in fear for over a month now. Please stop your party as it is causing continued disturbance upstairs and we are no longer able to sleep due to your late night after parties.... we understand it's in your nature to rock and roll but how about you retire- as you have gotten old.

Sincerely,

Haiti.

PS: I mentioned my dad is coming and he will be collecting certain supplies to bring out here which we need to move the kids into a house (YAY!) If you would like to help with these supplies, email my mom at kagstrom@surewest.net and she will let you know where they are at and their needs for that. THANKS!

PS:

2010-02-20T12:15:00.000-08:00

My dad is coming to Haiti in one week... 7 days... counting :)

I'm excited!

He will be here with some other guys who have been to RHFH before helping move all the kids into a house down the street. Praise God! We are busily working to prepare for that as there are 5,393,981,159 things that need to be done for that to happen. Licia and Caroline left the day before yesterday and they are missed... a lot. Licia is with her boys in Seattle and Casey (their Uncle) is at Walmart stocking up on supplies for his trip out here on Monday! Pray this time is relaxing as it's a much needed break for one of the hardest working woman I know.

A way to help Haiti

2010-02-20T11:54:00.000-08:00

Anna again!

Yesterday Lori got an email from Agape (http://www.agapeflights.com/) informing us that since they have had a constant stream of donations since the earthquake that ALL donations sent for a specific mission for relief will be flown in FREE by them. I was wanting to take advantage of this amazing opportunity to get stuff out here so RHFH can continue to bless the people of Cazale through this time…

SO. I made a wish list on Walmart’s website and set it up with our biggest needs right now. These would be:

*Pillows- for the patients we have been taking off the comfort ship.

*Vitamins- 4 different kinds, including prenatal, which we have been out of for 6 months.

*6 Purpose Flashlights- These would be given to all of RHFH’s staff. They are self-powered and have a radio, cell-phone charger, flashlight and more.

*2 scales. Every patient who comes through clinic is weighed and the kids in the RC are weighed every Saturday. The scales here are old and we need new ones.

*solar-powered flood-lights

*Cloth diapers… we are having people sew diapers also but would love to try a few of these to see if they are worth buying in bulk. So if you don’t sew but you wanted to give items, here’s your chance

If you are interested in helping in this way, I have written out step-by-step directions on how you can find our wish list and purchase the items online. It would be more efficient for shipping costs to have a haiti fundraiser at your school or church or even amongst your friends and family to raise money in the next couple weeks and then buy the items online in bulk according to your budget. I picked out specifically every item and the quantity we are shooting for. You have to buy it online for this to work and it must be sent to the address I’ve set up for Agape to send it to Haiti… we are trying to get these things here as soon as possible so the ending date for this wish list is the 10th of March. Thanks so much in advance and here is the directions…

1. Go to http://www.walmart.com/

2. Click on the “Wish List” link under the “Gift Cards & Registry” tab across the top of the page.

3. Type in “Davis” for the first name, and “Zachary” for the last name.

4. Only one wish list comes up- that’s us! Click on Davis Zachary and it will bring you to our wishlist.

5. Scroll down and you will see the things available for purchase and take your pick. Put the quantity of your purchase in the box next to the item(s) you’d like to buy.

6. Once you’ve finished shopping, press “add to cart.”

7. Your cart will come up and show you what you have selected. Press “proceed to checkout.”

8. If you already have a walmart account online, sign in and proceed to purchase If you don’t, press “continue”.

9. Enter your info and don’t forget to un-check the box which allows Walmart to send you 14,792 emails a day Press continue.

10. I set it up so the purchased items will be sent to agape flights in Venice, please don’t change that! Select “standard shipping” and “continue.”

11. Choose the way you would like to pay and press “continue.”

Now it will confirm your purchase, make sure you get confirmation that the purchase went through and then, viola! Your donation is on its way to Cazale Haiti!

today...

2010-02-18T16:01:00.000-08:00

Today a baby died. And it was normal. Life here went on as always and once again we went back to the chaos of clinic and the military being here and the patients and the rescue center kids etc etc.

But that death should have shaken someones world. It should have made someone cry, or mourn. It should have made someone want to change their perspective and take on life and live more for God and for others than for them self... instead, it became one more dossier to add to the stack of kids that couldn't be saved and life went on...

Sometimes i wonder how many kids are out there in the world dying, with no one who cares or knows, and what will it take to get the world's attention? How many kids have to die for stupid reasons before enough people get involved so that third world countries get the education and help they need. It's not their fault they were born in a country where school was too expensive, where one meal a day was normal and that no one taught them what a balanced diet means. The earthquake brought supplies into Haiti immediately, but Genise didn't die from the earthquake, and the aid obviously didn't reach her family. The underlying problems in Haiti will not be fixed by short-term aid brought in because of an earthquake. Genise died from severe malnourishment. Genise deserved to be loved, and to smile, and to have a chance at life... but then again I guess things on this earth just aren't fair and what should be is often a pipe-dream. She's smiling now and loved more than anyone on this earth could have loved her.

If I posted about every kid that died... well I'd be a much more frequent blogger. But I feel like by being here, once and a while, I have to share the stories of the kids who didn't make it. One of those angels, after all, is a little girl who changed my life and made me who I am today. Maybe, just maybe, one of the kids I blog about will change someone else's life too.

Happy Valentines Day!

2010-02-14T13:13:00.000-08:00

John 15:12-13

My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends.

Its all relative.

2010-02-11T11:41:00.000-08:00

Today we admitted a 5 pound 1 yr old to the Rescue Center... here's a pic of him next to Darlens (a 12 and 1/2 pound 2 yr old.)

It's all relative...

Mark 11:23

23"I tell you the truth, if anyone says to this mountain, 'Go, throw yourself into the sea,' and does not doubt in his heart but believes that what he says will happen, it will be done for him.

Darling

2010-02-10T14:26:00.000-08:00

Darlens has hung out with me quite a bit. Besides a constant fever hes doing great and has a small, but sufficient appetite. He gained 1 pound since he got here... well at one point he was up to 13 1/2 pounds but some diarrhea has taken over our lives in the last couple days, so we are down to 12 1/2. So some people don't think Darlens is the cutest kid in the world. They obviously don't see him through the same eyes that I do :)

Yep, he's a ham...

and a punk. He thinks its oh so funny to bite the bottle and refuse to let go...

but eventually he lets go and smiles a little ornery smile...

I'd say he's going to make it. Raise your hand if you're planning on gaining even more weight!

Read this, and get mad....

2010-02-08T18:32:00.001-08:00

because mad is the only normal feeling to have after realizing the country that I am from (and you prob are too) treats people like this... I'm so embarrassed to be an American right now.

http://haitirescuecenter.wordpress.com/2010/02/08/se-lavi/

camera crazy

2010-02-04T18:38:00.000-08:00

So Caroline, an AWESOME person, not to mention nurse, has a camera... A good one, and I have more than once stolen it and gone a little crazy taking pics of the kids I am lucky enough to live with.... here's a little taste of the faces that brighten up my life.

Sinaldo:

Rose-Berline:

Bertha:

Deny: (Jacob & Cynthia, check the wrist. That's right, they're still there :) )

Rose-Nadine: (she is actually a patient we got off the comfort ship. Her parents have since come but she is staying with us for obvious reasons until Lori removes the metal rods sticking through her bones. (I had never seen one of these before. Just bizarre.)

A pic of the current rescue center... God-willing we will be able to move the kids soon into the house down the street.

Loriamene:

Raymond:

Marie-Lange: (aka: possibly cutest/most photogenic kid ever)

Wanelson:

Bertha after getting in trouble for hitting :)

Loriamene:

Alma:

...i love my life.

And calling to him a child, he put him in the midst of them and said, “Truly, I say to you, unless you turn and become like children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. Whoever humbles himself like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven...
(Matthew 18:2-5)

Rose-Guerline

2010-02-03T06:42:00.001-08:00

This is Rose-Guerline. She shouldn't have died. Her legs weren't bandaged because of an injury from the earthquake. They were bandaged because they were splitting open because of how swollen they were from a lack of protein in her diet. Kwash kills. Her skin was peeling and her raw flesh made her wince in pain when she moved. She could tell us her story, she could ask us for food and water. And yet her body couldn't recover...

My 2 cents...

2010-02-02T06:31:00.000-08:00

I read a post with ALL kinds of very legitimate questions on prayer, that I found I've asked myself... read these posts to understand what I'm talking about:

http://watchingthewaters.wordpress.com/2010/01/24/why-pray-for-haiti-or-why-pray-at-all/

http://watchingthewaters.wordpress.com/2010/02/01/more-on-prayer-from-the-original-commenter/

I don't know the answer to any of these questions but I do have thoughts on them, and I do think the questions are things everyone should consider.

I think that parents, in general, teach their kids to ask for stuff when they want it. EX: Appropriate question from a child "Mommy, can I please have a cookie?" Now the mom has two options. Give her kid a cookie, or don't give her kid a cookie. Now, the parent might have a legitimate reason not to give her kid a cookie- spoils appetite, its bedtime, the kid is in trouble, etc etc. The kid asked and whether they get the cookie or not is up to the parent- the parent who knows what is best for that child. In the same way, I think, God wants us to communicate our wants and needs to him. It's not because God doesn't know our needs but because asking is a way of submitting to Him and acknowledging to God that He provides EVERYTHING we own. If God doesn't answer a prayer, I don't believe it's because we didn't pray enough or because enough people didn't pray; I believe it is because God had a plan for our lives and He is not going to change that plan just because our human mind feels like something should be different. Sometimes we ask for selfish things. Sometimes, if not often, we see things in a warped way and don't understand a situation fully. When I pray, instead of asking for something specific, I ask for God to guide me in whatever I am praying about. Rather than asking God to save a kid, I ask him to give me strength to care for that child. Rather than asking for God to stop an injustice in the world, I pray that the victims of that injustice find God and ask for opportunities to be a part of change in the things I have a passion for.

I don't think God will change His plan just because we pray for an alternative outcome. The closer we get to God, the more we see His plan and the more our prayers are in sync with His plan; and we learn to pray for strength and endurance through what the world throws at us rather than praying for the world to stop throwing stuff at us... if that makes sense at all (it does in my mind). I often find myself asking God for guidance, and wisdom, and the right attitude. I am not affected by some stuff that others would be. Seeing dead bodies, huge burns, malnourished kids whose skin is peeing because they are so bloated with water, helping prepare a kid for burial... these things don't phase me. I don't know why. But it has made me have to be more sensitive when I talk to people about Haiti....

I have to sensor what I talk about with certain people because I want SO BAD for the world to love the Haitian people as much as I do. To learn about their culture, and understand why their kids are starving. But there's soo much more to Haiti than the pain and suffering. There's more hope here than any place I've ever been. There's such a desire to learn and love from the Haitian people. Haitians will do anything for their kids, but sometimes they just havn't been taught the proper way to care for a kid. But if I don't explain everything to people, and just tell of what I see, then people don't understand. And whose fault is that? Mine. So I pray for guidance when I share my life in Haiti. I pray that people see my love for Haitians and my heart for their needs and share it with me. I ask God to help me tell people why situations are the way they are here. When I share, for it not to be about me but to help to spread the needs of Haiti and share stories that I've been blessed enough to be a part of...

I guess my main point is that when I pray for material things or tangible items, answer not guaranteed. But when I ask for wisdom, strength, endurance, a spirit of love, or guidance in a situation- God never has failed me.

I think about this kind of stuff ALL the time and everything I could say about this topic wouldn't fit on a blog, sorry this was a little scattered... What do you think about prayer?

Darlens update.

2010-02-01T18:50:00.000-08:00

Darlens:

I've been taking him since he came during the day and trying to feed him and get him hydrated. He ate all his peanut butter 2 days in a row... but sometimes thats not enough. We put him on an IV tonight. Please pray that it will provide the boost he needs to get better and start having an appetite.

We also got 2 kids from the comfort ship today who are completely scared to death from all the trauma they've experienced since the earthquake, a boy and a girl. We are working on uniting them with family if possible... we contacted the boys uncle who is picking him up tomorrow. He was so happy when he heard the news... still not sure if the little girl has family alive or not... pics here:

http://haitirescuecenter.wordpress.com/

GREAT post about Malnutrition

2010-01-31T08:36:00.000-08:00

This is Caroline's blog- the nurse who joined us a couple days ago at Real Hope For Haiti. She has been here before long-term and came as soon as she could after the earthquake to help. She's awesome and this post explains a lot about the two forms of malnutrition we see in the Rescue Center. The first kid in the post is Darlens, the little guy I've been hanging out with since he came. He is now 12 pounds- up from 11.5! :) The second girl, Rose-Guerline, has kwash and her legs were so swollen they were split and had to be bandaged...

http://ohsweetcaroline.blogspot.com/

Meet Darlens:

2010-01-29T07:23:00.000-08:00

The thing about Darlens is that he is not like this because of the earthquake. This is much much more. Darlens' problems and the reasons for his malnourishment are not a result of an earthquake- they are a result of many, many more complicated things, all streaming from poverty. Haiti was in crisis mode before the earthquake... it just took the earthquake for the world to respond. Thank you for responding- hopefully the help in Haiti will not be a short term thing. Hopefully it will continue to pour in long after the news no longer covers it; hopefully the prayers, financial support, and donations will continue until there are no starving children...

HELP HAITI

2010-01-29T06:12:00.000-08:00

HI! Just thought you could all use a new shirt which supports an AWESOME country... its good looking too! Please consider getting one of these, and if you have time to tweet Ellen to wear hers too, she has two in her mailbox! If you have twitter just tweet this message! (Hey @TheEllenShow! Dont you want a HELP HAITI shirt! www.helphaitishirt.com)

http://www.helphaitishirt.com/

PS: This is a legitimate place, their profits go 1/2 to RHFH and 1/2 to two other amazing organizations in Haiti :)

Taking the boys to the states

2010-01-28T11:40:00.000-08:00

We started out a little bored waiting to get into the airport, so we had ourselves some fun...

but soon enough we got in (soon enough being 2 hours later...)

While we waited for our plane we found some of our friends- faith and hope who are from the RC, going out for adoption :)

and like 5 hours later, we walked onto this plane: HAH!

There was trays of muffins, scones and croissants, as well as ice cold beverages...

but within 10 minutes of getting on our private jet, Henley, Trey and Carmelo were ready for some shut-eye...

and I couldn't resist taking pics of their sweet faces :)

don't worry, they did take advantage of the luxuries provided... mmm, chocolate croissants...

and overall they thought it was a pretty sweet ride.

once we arrived to the private airport, someone passing on a golf cart offered us a ride...

our crew escorted us to the private hotel, where we said our thank-yous and goodbyes and called a cab to get to the hotel where we would meet Uncle Casey...

and the boys got SO excited to get to ride a taxi. Way more excited than they were to get on the private jet... (hey- i guess its all about perspective)

while we waited for our room at the hotel the boys got their long- anticipated meal: cheeseburgers. Hey! I said no onions!!

mmm... french fries! They were so confused at why the ketchup came in little plastic sacs instead of a jar... quote from Henley "That's all thats in that thing? I'm going to need A LOT of those..."

we got "a lot of those" ketchup sacks and dug in...

and soon enough our room was ready... didn't take long to settle in :)

After a bath for the boys and a shower for me, I rented Monsters VS Aliens and went to work trying to get myself a flight back to Haiti...

And finally later Uncle Casey showed up. We ordered pizza, had a good time, went to bed and the next morning Casey took the boys with him to Seattle. I can't even tell you how smooth it all went. The boys were polite, patient (which is huge when you spend more than half the day WAITING!) , helpful and fun, and in the middle of the chaos of the earthquake we managed to have a great day. God definitely pulled this one off because none of us could have :)

and then I got stuck in Miami for a week...

L.O.V.E.

2010-01-26T16:57:00.000-08:00

Good News!!!!

2010-01-26T09:35:00.001-08:00

.... Ernst is OK! He called and said that he went to Milot and got care :) Apparently they amputated the rest of his arm and he made it. He wants to come see us and get a copy of this picture from us:

PRAISE GOD! I seriously cant tell you how worried I was for him- and why him and not everyone else I met that night I don't know, but I do know his story and survival through this all is encouraging to me and I can't wait for him to come and visit us all!

Needs...

2010-01-26T06:45:00.000-08:00

For those of you who have told me you feel helpless and want to do anything to help- link to Licia's blog to find out where you can send donations. They are much needed and greatly appreciated!

http://haitirescuecenter.wordpress.com/2010/01/25/donation-of-goods-to-haiti/

heading to miami

2010-01-20T09:40:00.000-08:00

well the boys left with casey for seattle and they were well rested and excited that this will be their last day of waiting in lines and sitting on planes. 6.1 earthquake hit haiti this morning... not sure of the damage but know that there were many unstable buildings in port that had no chance of surviving another aftershock, so I expect more damage and injuries.... i know for a fact people were awakened and scared by it as it shook their beds and homes- the ones who have beds and homes left- and the streets must have been filled withe fear and prayers. im about to head to miami to meet up with some people from the orphanage i volunteered at the first time i came to haiti to help with some stuff and possibly get on a plane to haiti with them :) if that doesnt work out i might come back for a different flight. right now i just know i cant sit here and do nothing without going insane, so im going to miami. soo many people are helping me out and i couldnt feel more blessed through this all. thank you so much and as always, ill do my best to keep you posted.

Aaron Ivey

2010-01-18T13:32:00.000-08:00

This is a link to a music video by artist Aaron Ivey who is adopting Amos from here. His wife Jamie and himself already have a little girl from here who went home not too long ago- who weall loved dearly. They are still anxiously waiting for Amos, who is close to leaving. They both have come to visit since I've been here and I enjoyed meeting the people who are going to love this boy for the rest of his life. Enjoy :)

http://aaronivey.com/?p=9513

cnn news link on RHFH

2010-01-18T12:21:00.000-08:00

http://amfix.blogs.cnn.com/2010/01/18/mission-reels-continues-to-serve-in-quakes-aftermath/

Degaje

2010-01-17T09:48:00.000-08:00

In the next few days we will be moving all the kids out of the Rescue Center and into a house down the street which was not damaged by the earthquake. Every aftershock that came continued to damage the structure of the building and it has made it impossible to have peace in moving the kids back in. So we won't. It will be a huge task. There is no electricity or water at the new place and well be able to move our generator and pump water into it, but it is not an easy thing to do. Please pray for us as we figure things out. So far we havn't found more gas for the cars or generator. So far no food has come in. We are living off what we had before the earthquake and making a simple bread for some of the kids meals and putting peanut butter on it.

There is a word in Creole: Degaje. It means to make do with what you have. In Haitian culture it is not a word as much as a way of life. Just being born in this country guarantees the ability to "degaje." A Haitian's life quality depends on the ability to make do with what you are given. To stretch 2 dollars to feed a whole family. To make up work and get a house to cover your head when there is no materials other than what you can find on a mountain. To cook a meal out of rice every day and make every variation of it possible so your kids will eat. To be happy with nothing to call your own, and to make a church service in the middle of a field and without any instruments. The kids make toys out of plastic bottles and bend hangers and tops of cans. They can make art out of rocks and home-made paint and make that into a business for themselves. To make their clothes and shoes last years. They can wash a white shirt in a brown river and somehow wear clothes that look like they were professionally cleaned and pressed. Haitians have an amazing ability to take what life gives at them and still smile, still praise their creator, still help others, still get up every morning ready to walk miles to get their water for the day. I respect the people of Haiti so much and would die to know what it was like to live like that- because I can't even imagine. Haitians are amazing people and their spirit and hope is something life-changing to witness.

The tragedy of the earthquake did not change this. Haitians have proven through all this to be even stronger than anyone can imagine. They have hope and an ability to withstand the pain and suffering with extreme strength. I admire Haitians and couldn't be happier to be here during this event in their lives. To pray with them and try to begin to rebuild their country, their homes, their happiness.

Ernst

2010-01-16T13:31:00.000-08:00

Meet Ernst. He is 26 years old. He came to the clinic Lori and I went to desperately hoping for help. When I saw him first, he was sitting on the ground with most of his arm gone. His wound was open, flesh dangling off and bones sticking out. He had hemostats dangling off the stub clamping veins to help the bleeding. His arm was over a big plastic tub, dripping blood into a pile of medical garbage. He sat up, alert waiting to be helped. He was strong, young. Seemed very hopeful and determined. He was friendly with everyone, smiled and winked at me. That was at about 11am Thurs when we arrived at the clinic. He sat there all day, eventually got moved onto a table where he was able to lie down. There were Quite a few Haitian doctors who had come by the time we got there. They were prioritizing those who needed attention right away and those who's limbs they could save. Ernst at this point waited. Along side him was a man, probably a brother and his sister. They slept and sat with him all night. They prayed. They cried. They waited. I watched them on and off as I worked. Often someone would pass by and offer to pray with him- every time that happened the 3 of them would huddle into each other, heads touching and pray. They did not speak English, so I imagine they were praying in their heads their own prayer as the person with them prayed for Ernst. The sun came up, Lori and I hadn't slept and he begin looking worse. His sister kept telling us that his breathing was bad and that he needed medicine. Lori checked him and he seemed to be breathing ok.

Ernst hadn't slept very much and when morning came he was sitting on his table. He didn't want to lay down because he noticed it bled less when he sat. He began to bleed a lot more and you could see in his demeanor that he wasn't feeling well. As I watched him, I noticed he began to look at his arm often. It's like he hadn't seen it yet. He was in shock- he realized how bad it actually was. He was scared. There was a doctor who was supposed to amputate his arm, and Lori and I sterilized the equipment and got it all ready. At one point there were so many people there they had to clear it out. Only one person could be in there for every two patients. His sister got kicked out. I went outside to get supplies and saw her sitting in the grass crying. She called to me but I kept walking to go get the supplies. After I go the supplies I went back outside and saw Ernst's sister crouched down on the ground, and went and sat next to her.

I asked her if she was alright. She told me that she couldn't stand. Her stomach was sick-

she was so sad. I told her that the doctors were going as fast as they could and were going to

help him soon. She started to pray:

God, this is not right. He is so strong. He has so much hope. He works, he is in school. He takes

care of his family. He is so determined and works hard. There is so much pain in our country.

There are so many hurting. There are too many dead. We know you hear us now. Tell us what

to do now. I am listening- we are listening. Don't forget our country.

The whole time she was praying I sat next to her. I wasn't praying. I was listening, and

watching. And learning... learning how a Christian should pray. How to be faithful to our God

through the worst of the worst and through whatever comes at us. To be humble, and honest,

and real. I tried to comfort her as much as I can. Tried to fill her in on what the doctors had

talked about doing for Ernst (amputation) because she had notices them picking out a saw.

Told her that the doctors only wanted the best for the people here and they were going to do the

best for Enoch.

I went in and he was still sitting there. His wound open, he was obviously tired and hurting and

scared. Lori and I were both worried about the amount of blood he was loosing and Lori

dressed the stub to try to decrease the bleeding. Zach came and it was time for us to leave.

He let us take his picture. Ernst asked to come with us. We had to go. We hadn't slept, and

couldn't do anything for him but pray. It was not fun leaving. It felt horrible. I said goodbye to

his sister and told her I'd be praying for them.

We don't know if the doctor showed up. He was there earlier that morning and left. We

could tell he was not comfortable doing the amputation alone, but there was no one else

willing/able. We don't know what happened to Ernst. I do know that I will never forget him and

his sister and the way they prayed faithfully to our creator.

just a taste

2010-01-16T06:37:00.000-08:00

There's no way to describe this week... these pictures are nothing compared to what I've seen and what's out there, they are just a taste:

Lori and I went to a clinic in Port to help out. We left here Thursday morning and got back last night around 3. We didn't sleep for 36 hours. I can't share that experience right now. There are few clinics and not enough supplies for the ones that exist. A jail collapsed and many of the inmates survived and are out on the streets. There is looting and stealing going on in port. People in many areas are starting to run out of food and water. Most Haitians are living in tents made of cloth and sticks or are sleeping in huge open areas. Many children are orphaned. Mass graves are being dug. One of those is between Cazale and Port, where they are trucking out thousands of bodies to. The stench in Port of death is indescribable. RHFH is so blessed to have a water system and food right now. Please continue to pray. Military relief is on its way and trying to find places to port and places to set up. People are coming together to help, and the prayers are felt. Donations are high, and are a blessing. Thanks for the support and prayers. I know that through all this God is good and am reminded that nothing on this earth is permanent. He has provided what we need through grace and sharing that with others is an honor and a Our focus is on God and all he has to offer; nothing else matters.

¹⁹"Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. ²⁰But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. ²¹For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.

the day after, but the work is just beginning...

2010-01-13T16:35:00.000-08:00

The earthquake took people's homes, families, and affected everyone. Last night short after the quake a woman was carried in on a bed from down the street and brought to the clinic. She was an older woman who died later that night... she has many more broken bones and internal injuries from her house falling on her.

Some pics from the improvised outdoor clinic in the yard today:

Thank God for the clinic here. For Lori and her staff in the clinic whom not only do their work in times of crisis, but every day of their lives. And for Licia- the kids and all of us evacuated to outside last night for safety and are tonight as well. Many of the walls have cracked in both the clinic and the Rescue Center and things were a mess last night. Aftershocks are still occurring now and then, we are all going to try to get some sleep tonight. Many of the staff have lost their homes and some family members were in Port. Many people all over Haiti are unaccounted for and the stories we hear of Port are horrid. People are dead and dying all over the streets and it is not pretty. A couple of the patients who came today had come from Port- it'll be a long time until this country even begins to recover. Please keep Haiti in your prayers- thats the best thing we can do right now.

"But now, Lord, what do I look for? My hope is in you."

Psalm 39:7

damage around cazale

2010-01-13T16:15:00.000-08:00

Medika Mamba Program

2010-01-10T12:14:00.000-08:00

A part of my nightly routine has become measuring out Medika Mamba for the kids who are malnourished. Medika Mamba is made in Haiti and is a peanut butter packed with everything a child needs to gain weight. The kids on the program change SO fast- it is truly amazing to witness. It is measured out according to their weight and in the Rescue Center they are fed their bowl 6 times a day or until they are finished. If a child were to only eat their bowl of peanut butter and nothing else they would still gain weight- cool, huh?

So the chart for amounts is in kgs and tablespoons... before I left for Christmas we had 32 kids on the program. It took a long time to knead the peanut butter (it usually comes very hard with the oil separated from the peanuts) and then measure out each child's peanut butter in tablespoons as they get anywhere from 4-22 tbsp of it each day. A group had come and was helping me to do this every night and one member from the group made my job 100 times easier by sending me these measuring cups:

Medika Mamba- you have met your match! They are amazing... Thank you Karen!!!

While I was home I also got new bowls. The old ones were often cracking and tape didn't stick to them. The tape sticks to much better and also has saved me so much time at night! Anyone who got me a target card- Thank you so much! Don, nana, aunt barbara, peter and xandi- thanks :)

old bowls:

new bowls:

a day at the beach

2010-01-09T17:19:00.000-08:00

We went to the beach yesterday and had an AMAZING time. The boys were so excited, and so was I. It was the first time I've been to a beach in Haiti and couldn't have been nicer. Definitely a day I'll remember and I'm so glad I got to spend the day relaxing with everyone here...

Our God is an awesome God...

We almost all got lobster (I had never had it- and it was interesting... did you know you have to basically tear the creature apart to eat it?) Carmelo ate my leftovers.

i can't wait...

2010-01-04T17:06:00.002-08:00

-to be in warm weather again

-to go back to where my heart is

-to love on some kids I've missed for what feels like months

-to teach again

-to go on daily walks after school

-to give kids goodnight kisses before I go to bed every night

-to eat rice and beans

-to go home...

13 hours :)

just one thing will be missing

Nickenson died on Christmas, he and 4 other kids died on Christmas eve and Christmas day... I miss him but feel blessed and honored to have been a part of his short life. He deserved more than what I could offer. Lori and Licia did everything they could do and I am SO grateful for their work in Haiti; and LOVE being even just a little part of it.

just a couple faces I miss:

2009-12-27T19:32:00.000-08:00

Psalm 28:7
The LORD is my strength and my shield; My heart trusted in Him, and I am helped;Therefore my heart greatly rejoices,And with my song I will praise Him.

leaving...

2009-12-17T21:35:00.000-08:00

In 5 hours I'll be on my way to Sacramento for Christmas. Mixed feelings- I'm super excited to see family and friends, and this time is way easier to leave because I know I'll be back soon. I have a ticket and all :) I can't wait to see my sister and parents and everyone at home but it's always hard for me to leave Haiti. And Nickenson isn't helping either... Today his body decided to reject anything we put into it. He vomited all day and had a high fever. Ok, nothing I havn't dealt with before- except he looks awful. Like a different kid. His eyes are sunken in and his personality disappeared. No smiles today... So Lori stuck him on an IV in the afternoon. (Lori- you are awesome!) Before we put the IV in I weighed him- 10.8lbs. Hes 15 months old. That is down from his top weight of 12.2lbs...

So far tonight he's been sleeping downstairs in the Rescue Center on and off since. I've been working on giving him meds, I started 4 hours ago. Sloooow but sure they are getting in him without vomit (knock on wood, and thank God for feeding tubes). It will NOT be easy leaving him in 4 hours. Mostly because I enjoy taking care of him. I've been having him 24/7 for a while now. Giving him his shots, meds through a feeding tube etc. He's become a big part of my life here... so of course it doesn't feel right just leaving for 2 weeks. Licia hired a woman named Ti priyay (total butcher of spelling Im sure... literal translation "little prayer,") to take care of him while I'm gone. I can't even tell you how much relief this will bring me when I'm away. (Licia you rock!) It's not that they don't have amazing staff here, because they do; it's that Nickenson is the most special kid I have met and his needs are borderline too much for me to handle sometimes... literally. I won't go into that though... lets just leave it at he is needy. Ti priyay will do awesome with him and has been coming for the past week and helping me with him and learning "his ways" :)

He was doing SO well for a while there... As for my leaving tomorrow- I'm just finding peace that God's ways are much greater than mine and whatever He has planned for Nickenson is perfect. Here's some pics from the past month with him :) Man, he's a ham.

Smiles in the bumbo.

Discovering his hands :)

Please keep Nickenson in your prayers as I know he can pull through if it's God's will.

2009-12-15T09:47:00.001-08:00

Send your own ElfYourself eCards

The Boys

2009-12-06T12:53:00.000-08:00

Reading in our fort :)

A little skeleton fun for school...
final touch day- coloring the skin.
twiiister!!! Poor Henley obviously was slowest at this move
... but he sure didn't waste time getting Carmelo out
a ride around the mountian, nothing like the feeling of wind in your hair
stud.
"no school, I'm free... I love weekends!!!"
I truly feel blessed to be here teaching these kids and getting to be a part of the mission here. God is good.

AIDS day 2009

2009-12-01T10:51:00.000-08:00

UNAIDS estimates that 33.4 million people are now living with HIV around the world and of that, 2.1 million of them are children. In 2008 an estimated 2 million people died from AIDS. One of those was a princess I'll never forget. She changed me and I know she touched many others. Thank you Berlancia for what you gave me... a passion that drives me.

In developing and transitional countries, 9.5 million people are in immediate need of life-saving AIDS drugs; of these, only 4 million (42%) are receiving the drugs. One of those lucky kids is Nickenson- who is on a program here in Haiti which provides meds for AIDs patients. I thank God for his meds.

Nickenson is doing... well. He is finally gaining weight, little by little and we topped 11 pounds this past Saturday :D He looks so much better physically and is smiley and spoiled. I've had him 24/7 now for a little more than 2 weeks and its been a roller coaster. I try to sneak in as many calories at night as possible. He had been vomiting ALL the time when i first was taking him and we could not get him to keep down his meds, so Licia tried giving him Reglan shots every time we give him his meds (twice a day) and it has been working fantastically. She taught me how to put in the tube and give him the shots so I am able to do everything for him. His dad came to visit and prayed over the rescue center and told me he'd pray for me... I feel blessed to be able to be a part of Nickenson's life and hopefully he will get well enough to go home to a dad who loves God and wants the best for him.

I have WAY too many pics of this beautiful kiddo... here's one for you though :)

lazy link

2009-11-10T04:44:00.000-08:00

i promise not to start doing this ALL the time but heres a link to Licia's blog about the piñata we made- she took lots of pics and I took none, so her blog is WAY more enjoyable than my potential post about this.... plus, I'm lazy. It was lots and lots of fun :) Not a single kids had a clue why they were hitting the giant pineapple, but they sure went at it 100%. Some kids had handfuls of 5 suckers opened that they were shoving into their mouths after- so cute! Other than that I'm loving life, God and Haiti. Hope everyones having a blessed week!

http://haitirescuecenter.wordpress.com/2009/11/09/4477/

ABC Thankfuls

2009-11-08T08:08:00.000-08:00

I wasn't feeling 100% today so I didn't go to church, figured I better rest up before the school week starts up again. I'm holding a sick little baby right now... man I wish everyone in the world could do this and know how it feels. So if you are waiting for an invitation here it is... come to Haiti! Find a mission that looks right for you, fund raise and come! And if you think Haiti is not for you, go to Africa, or Ethiopia, or Mexico... I highly recommend third-world countries for a life-changing experience :) Anyways...

A good friend of mine (understatement of the year) had been putting up her ABC thankfuls on facebook, and I thought it was a cute idea, so I am stealing the idea :) Love you Cynthia!

Today I thank God for:

Amazing Apple Pie that nana promised me over Christmas.

Berlancia's life.

Cynthia Sanchez's friendship.

Dry humor.

Eager students.

Friends and Family back home who are supportive and real.
God's Grace.
Haiti.

Internet access.

Jesus' blood.

Kisses from the most beautiful Kids ever.

Life.

Mango season. MMM

Nickenson.

Optimism.

Pineapple Pinata Parties (which I'll post about later).

Quiet time with God.

Real Diapers on special occasions.

Saturdays, Sundays, Sleep.

Today- for a relaxing day and getting to know new kids.

Undeserved good grades.

Vegetables :)

Water that's clean.

Xylophones? haha, j/k lets just go with family at X-mas.

Yesterday's mistakes, and the lessons they brought.

Zach's new truck that gets us to church on Sundays.

Well, there you go. Hope everyone has a fantastic Sunday, feel free to leave your ABC thankfuls as a comment :)

Green Eggs and Ham (spam)

2009-11-02T14:24:00.000-08:00

this morning we made green eggs and ham. It was a blast- we made some for grandpa Zach and all- I'm too lazy to wait for pics to upload so heres a link... I love being able to work for this family!

http://haitirescuecenter.wordpress.com/2009/11/02/green-eggs-and-spam-says-anna-i-am/

:)

2009-10-31T17:10:00.000-07:00

Haitians are legit- I wish I could do this...

My teaching techniques may not be ideal all the time but I would like to share with you some that have worked extremely lately. We have problems focusing... lets just say often. One of Henley's wonderful habits is to play with his pencil like its a plane and he drops it about 10 times each hour while playing with it. I'm not exaggerating when I say we got to the point where he spend 10% of his school day laying on his chair looking for his pencil. I told him I didn't care if he dropped his pencil on accident but the playing needed to stop because it wastes too much time. This worked for an hour, then back to playing. As it has been an ongoing problem, I got to the point where I jokingly told him that if he dropped his pencil one more time because he was playing with it I would tie it to his wrist all the way until lunch time, and he would even have to go downstairs and eat with it tied to him. Not more than a minute later he dropped it... so I found a shoestring and tied it to his wrist. He got made fun of by his brothers... peer pressure has power. And guess what... that was last Tuesday and he hasn't dropped his pencil more than twice since then. He though it was funny, so we took pictures- I still can't believe it actually worked :)

And Trey, the poor kid has an attention span of 10 seconds. If I can't keep him interested we are doomed. So I decided to make him teacher on Tuesday because he would not listen to what I was telling him to do. And guess what? It was the most productive day with Trey that I've had yet. He had to read me the directions and then I said and wrote the answer, every time making common mistakes that he usually would make and he always corrected me perfectly! When he taught me how to read, I said every word he wouldn't know wrong on purpose and he helped me sound them out. Making him sound out a word that he thinks he can't read is like pulling teeth, but for some reason it was more fun when i "didn't know" how to. This is him telling me to focus when I started to play with my pencil... haha :)

And Mr. Carmelo is a punk- loves to pretend like he doesn't know anything and see if he can get me to make his school easier. So I had a pop-wow with Licia (his mom) to figure out what he should/shouldn't know and I make him do push-ups if he tells me he doesn't know how to do something that he does. And we've already made progress- amazing how much progress you can make with a threat of 5 push-ups!

I'm having a blast figuring out the whole teacher thing and getting to know these 3 kids so well- they're awesome!

Somehow last week flew by even though I had pink eye which gave me constant headaches- . ALL day Saturday (and I mean since 8 in the morning until 6pm I worked on my midterm that was due. That was fun! (sarcasm) But since Nickenson is somewhat high maintenance, and I refuse to do schoolwork without a kid in my lap, it gave me the opportunity to spend the whole day with a little girl named Love Babie. Yes you read that right... her twin sister's name is Babie Love. Oh Haiti... anyways. She's malnourished and her skin looks like a dinosaur's skin, and she has a cough that makes her puke when she eats, but other than that shes the happiest kid ever: (not in this pic... but its the only one i took)

So after I finished I went to eat dinner, and remembered I had missed the weekly weigh-ins I usually help Licia with for the kids on the Medika Mamba program.... too bad because I probably would have made a fool of myself in front of all the staff here jumping up and down, like I did in private upstairs when Licia told me Nickenson gained over a pound in this last week!!!!!! AHHH life is good. He was 9.8 last week and hit the scale at 10.10 Saturday! (Keep in mind he's 10 months old, so we still have a LONG way to go) but finally we're turned in the right direction!! Stuffing his face:

Keep posted for the next post aka: this mornings events... hint- Green Eggs and Spam :)

Another gone home...

2009-10-30T19:34:00.001-07:00

A little baby died tonight… Gilderson. I noticed him the first day I got here but didn’t spent much time with him. Every time I went to get him to spend time with him I got distracted by a crying kid, and then Nickenson came in and took most of my free time. I don’t know why God protected my heart this way- I can’t count how many times I almost picked him up and took him to my room. He was doing extremely well (another reason why I took other kids before him to work with); he had come in severely malnourished but after being here for three months was doing amazing. Yesterday he got a high fever and today they sent him to the hospital, which sent him back. He died about 2 hours ago. Not an hour before I was holding his hand and singing with Nickenson in my lap… I watched as Lori prepared him for burial. That was a first for me… I wrote this just thinking about this boy specifically but also all the kids around the world who die or suffer from preventable or unknown causes.... some of it refers to Berlancia, Tex-naider, Sabrina, and the list goes on… Some of the descriptions are of kids who came in and we thought they’d die and they havn’t… like Nickenson.

The world he has lived in is nothing like mine. Love and grace- replaced by emptiness and fear. Hunger is a perpetual pain… every day’s a battle. His eyes are empty, no hope to show- what is hope? He doesn’t even long for the world I’m in. He’s never seen it, so it doesn’t exist. He doesn’t understand why I daze down at him, why I sing to him, why I do anything I can to get him to eat, and why I hold him close; he is still and won’t make movement, no life. Finally a glance my way, have I reached him? No… I moved my eyes and he didn’t follow. This child, can’t be more than a couple years old, what must he have gone through to be this way… his loose and wrinkled discolored skin, hangs over his bones; they jut out, revealing his fragile frame. His patchy hair is discolored and frail. In his palm, he clings to a lock of hair that he ripped off his head. His hands clenched tightly, reek of rotten skin. The cloth tied around his tiny waste slips off and exposes the yellow diarrhea he sits in daily. Why this child, why any child?

He cries out of discomfort when I touch him. His irritated squeal pleads for me to leave him be; his body stiffens, begging to be put down… but I refuse, I won’t give up, he’s captured my heart. I know there’s a soul in there somewhere. Behind the neglect, the hunger, the sadness… behind the empty stare, the emotion free face- I know there is a boy. I know with work, and help from God one day he could see that the world can be different, a place for love, for hope, for happiness, for learning. But my will to bring out that boy has come too late, and it must not have been part of God’s plan.

A harsh and empty world was all he knew; I held him for an insignificant amount of time- held him tight and prayed. That’s all I could give, that’s all time gave me. One more point awarded to the silent epidemic- an unfair battle, another life ended before it began. AIDS. Malnourishment. Abuse. Poverty. Burns. Neglect. Disease. Unknown. The endless list of preventable COD’s intimidates me. Is there even a chance for hope? His life became part of a growing statistic; yet through it all, I know God was there. Now he is in the perfect place, the place where there is nothing that can hurt him. In heaven I know he is that boy. A joyful, healthy, smiling, beautiful boy… he’s loved. But still my heart yearns for him back; a chance to give him what he never had. In a life here on earth, what could he have been? A man- honest and humble and true, I’ll never know. God’s timing is a constant struggle for me. Why then… why him? Yet truly believe through searching deep, every day’s hardship has some sort of silver lining- even if a rusted silver. With every child I’ve loved, comes a lesson to cherish- and he is no different. I’ll strive each day to do what I was made to do; to love and be a light unto others as best as I can- And leave God to the rest...

Life here is a roller coaster, and I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world. I'm happy he's no longer in pain, and I'm so thankful for all the kids that RHFH has been able to save and give the world to. Whatever he died from could have easily killed him in the states too, we'll never know; but I do know that for 3 months this kid was loved, fed, and shown God's grace under the care of the staff here at the rescue center- praise God for that.

Misconceptions

2009-10-29T15:10:00.000-07:00

It's been a good and busy week, I'll be ready for the weekend to come. We got TONS of donations yesterday but it's too long of a story for me to have the patience to write, so once Licia writes about it on her blog I'll post a link :)

Nickenson's doing the same... hoping when we weigh him next he'll not have lost weight again...

This is a conversation I had with a thirteen year old girl last night… her name is Ilene (pronounced ee-lehn). She comes to the clinic once a month to pick up meds for her skin condition and school supplies. She lives far away so she comes to spend the night so she can get in line early the next morning. I am writing it just as we spoke it, broken and simple since it was in Creole, and I’m still not perfect…

Ilene: Hi! Remember me? (hugs me) I love you!!!

Me: Of course! How are you?

Ilene: hungry. Give me food.

Me: Did you come in time for dinner?

Ilene: No. My stomach hurts

Me: You know that if you don’t come for dinner that the food will be gone.

Ilene: I know, but I had school. I’m hungry. Is your stomach full?

Me: (feeling somewhat bad) yes.

Ilene: Give me clothes

Me: I don’t have any to give you.

Ilene: I only have these (she pulls on her shirt and skirt)

Me: That’s good you have those! Who gave them to you?

Ilene: Licia… Where’s your baby? (Referring to Nickenson)

Me: He’s not my baby, he’s sleeping.

Ilene: He’s not yours?! Do you love him?

Me: Yes.

Ilene: Then why don’t you take him?

Me: I don’t want him.

Ilene: (shocked by my blunt answer) Why?

Me: I am 20 years old, don’t have a house or money to buy milk for him. I can’t pay for him to go to school and I don’t have clothes or shoes to give him.

Ilene: What about your mom? Can she give you clothes to give him?

Me: But then she would be his mom and not me! I can’t take care of a kid, so I do not want a kid.

Ilene: (obviously never having heard this perspective before) But you love him!

Me: I love all these kids but I don’t want 75 kids! I love you but I am not your mom…

Ilene: laughter. (with at least some understanding) Ohhh. Ok then, he is not yours. Please come sit and talk with me over there.

Me: OK

Ilene: (beginning to braid my hair) Your hair is pretty.

Me: Yours too! Who braided it?

Ilene: Some lady, it’s not pretty though. I want your hair.

Me: But my hair won’t even stick! (referring to how their hair stays exactly where they put it).

Ilene: But it’s long and ‘cheve blan’! (white peoples hair) Black people’s hair is ugly.

Me: NO! I think it’s beautiful, I think it’s even better than mine.

Ilene: I think white people are pretty.

Me: Me too. I think black people are pretty too.

Ilene: hmm… (as if she had never thought of the concept of more than one race being pretty)

Me: Do you have any sisters or brothers?

Ilene: Yes, 3 sisters and 2 brothers (then she went off to name every person in her family including aunts, uncles grandparents etc.) Do you have any?

Me: one sister, one brother.

Ilene: That’s all!!! Wow, do you have food where you are from?

Me: Yes. We eat some different kinds of food.

Ilene: When you are where you are from, is your stomach full?

Me: Yes.

Ilene: Do you love Haiti?

Me: So much, Haiti is like my home.

Ilene: Why? Haiti is so bad and the US is so good.

Me: Why do you think that?

Ilene: I’ve seen it on TV.

Me: Have you ever seen Haiti on TV?

Ilene: Yes…

Me: What does Haiti look like on TV? What do the TV people look like?

Ilene: Well, good and pretty and the people on TV are pretty and have clothes and eat.

Me: Do they show your home on TV? Or your neighbors homes?

Ilene: (laughing) nooo… just the pretty people’s homes.

Me: Same with the U.S. All they show on the TV is the good things, just like all they show about Haiti are the good things.

Ilene: There are bad things at your home?

Me: Of course! There are bad things in every place. Good things and bad things, just different good things and bad things.

Ilene: Oh….

… and the conversation went on and on.

The sentences exchanged between Ilene and I were so simple, yet in my opinion SO loaded. I hate that some Haitians have been taught that the US is "better" than Haiti. What I'm about to describe is hard for me to describe logically and get out how I want it to sound- so hang with me as I try ;)

…In America there are girls who would KILL to be as stunning as Ilene- Long, skinny, toned, dark or tanned, beautiful eyelashes, ethnic looking. In Haiti girls long to be curvy, light-skinned, long straight hair, blue or green eyes. Why is it that our world can’t just get to a place of gratefulness with the cards God dealt us?

And WHYYYY does everyone (including Haitians who have NEVER been to the US) think the US is so stinking amazing??? I don’t understand! Yes, there is an abundance of resources. Yes- there are many opportunities. Yes- things are more equal legally. Yes. There are great things about the US. There is amazing medical technology… But that says NOTHING about the quality of life of individuals there… just compare suicide rates for Haiti and the US. Maybe sometimes the things we find great on paper don’t quite measure up after all. Maybe life is simpler than we make it in the US. Maybe our quality of life is how we make it, and the worse we start out, the easier it is to find hope to improve. Maybe...

One thing that REALLY bugs me is when people talk about how those poor children finally get to get out of Haiti, and go to a better place and get a real family. How awful it is that they come from the poverty-stricken, lost island of Haiti. Haiti is the most beautiful place I have ever been. The land itself, and the people- inside and out. The people here (with some exceptions- just as their are exceptions in the US) love their kids so much and do everything possible to cover their needs. Many of them just can't. Many in the U.S. don't either- especially when it comes to emotional needs. Many of my friends growing up didn't have good role models; or had parents who gave them everything in the world except for time. Yes, there is major corruption in Haiti and major poverty and a major lack of education. But how I see it America has major consumption/economic problems, major rising mental health issues, and major ignorance issues.

My point is not to bash either the US or Haiti, I just think too many people see third-world countries as miserable places, and places like the US as this land of Gold; and in my opinion that’s not the case at all. There’s more hope, joy, fellowship, REAL friendships, happiness here than I could have ever imagined. And the families here are T.I.G.H.T. And best of all, people are real. I mean if they don’t like you, they tell you. They mean what they say and they say what they mean. If they like you, they tell you; and if they say they love you they will do ANYTHING for you. I have no doubt that some of the friends I have made on the streets of Haiti would do anything in their power to help me if I needed help. There are problems everywhere in the world, some are just a bit more hidden. Haiti's problems are out in the open- ribs popping out of a kid are harder to cover up than a dysfunctional family. I just think it's important for me to say this because often I will tell the stories of the bad stuff: the hurting, the starving, the bleeding, the neglected. But I don't want people to think that is what makes Haiti. The hope that Haitians have for their future is what I see in Haiti, and I praise God for all the GOOD he blesses Haiti with.

Time flies when you're having fun!

2009-10-25T19:41:00.000-07:00

Another weeks gone by and time seems to disappear here. There’s always some need to be filled here, and I think that’s why time goes so quick. No matter how hard or fast you work to get stuff done, at the end of the day you wish you could have accomplished more. Licia and Lori are two of the hardest workers I have ever met. They go through more emotions in a week than some people do in a lifetime. Witnessing parents laughing as their children are dying, holding that child and not having time to process the death of the 2 year old whose body lies lifeless, emaciated, in your hands as the next patient is bleeding profusely from a severe motorcycle accident. Having to fire a staff member who steals or doesn’t do their job while they plead that their whole family is going to die because of you taking away their income. Waking up early to get office hours in before clinic and going to bed late knowing they will do the same the next day. Trying to teach a Haitian mother that instead of selling her chicken’s eggs to buy rice for her kids, the eggs would be more nourishment for her children, only to see her a month later asking you to take in her swollen kids with kwash and feed them. Educating people about STDs and telling them that they have HIV; and them not believing or understanding and they come back after they got pregnant and had a baby who obviously tests HIV+. Experiencing the joy of an orphan finally going to their adoptive home but grieving because that child has been in your home for 2 years and knows you as mommy. Being discouraged by the never-ending line of sick, injured, diseased people; yet praising God for all he allows them to do to help. Their lives aren’t easy and their perseverance is inspiring. Truly.

I love everything I get to do here. I was teaching the boys about the body- organs and veins etc and telling them that blood was blue. They didn’t believe me until I showed them my veins (you can’t really see on a black-skinned person). They were so cute “Wait until we tell mommy, she won’t believe us!” screams Trey. He often goes to mom telling her what he learns, thinking he’ll change her life with his new-found knowledge. It’s fun to teach such an enthusiastic learner. We traced their bodies and every day I make a new organ for them to glue on themselves and we learn about it. We went on a 7 mile hike Friday and it was amazing. I love the walks we go on… narrow paths through corn farms and friendly communities in between wide gravel roads, often muddy, peacefully quiet- besides the boys and a couple donkeys, stunning mountains and ocean views, often pink, orange, yellow, stunning sunsets, and friendly people passing once in a while; some on donkeys or horses, some driving tractors, some walking. I love Haiti.

My online English class is the hardest thing about my current life. I’ve always had an easy time with English courses and never gotten less than an A- this might just kill that. It’s an argumentative essay course and killing me. The formats my prof assigns are just plain odd, and hard to follow and boring and hard to find motivation for; plus the internet time I have is hard to spend researching and writing when I’d rather be emailing or facebooking friends. It’s hard to focus on writing an essay that I don’t care about when I have Nickenson, or the boys downstairs are calling me to play soccer. The boys in the rescue center are SO great and besides Nickenson they consume most of my free time. J Soccer is their favorite thing for me to join them in, and I can’t say that I’m as good as them, but I’m definitely improving and having fun doing it!

Nickenson has lost a pound... we took him off the medika mamba program thinking his uking might be intolerance to the peanut butter- pray it helps! I am with him SOOO much and its discouraging that he lost more than 10% of his weight in a week... but his smiles keep me going. If he continues to lose I'll take him at night and try to get some extra calories in him. The rescue center admitted 2 new kwash kids- a boy and a girl. The little girl (about 4 yrs old) refuses to eat and they had to put a feeding tube in her and she kept ripping it out, so her hands are in socks, taped and pinned to her shorts. She won't make eye contact and sits groaning all day long... hopefully the food shes getting through the tube will help her have more life. The boy (about 6 yrs old) is so swollen that he can barely stand. His privates are the size of a baseball and yet he smiles bigger than any kid in the place. He says please and thank you and when I was feeding him tonight he said he didn't want to eat; but after I told him it would make him feel better and it was good for him he smiled and forced himself to finish. I can't express how blessed I am to get to be around these kids :)

Great Weekend, Greater God.

2009-10-19T14:30:00.001-07:00

Everything is going GREAT! We went to GLA after church to visit the adoptive parents of Jonas, the blind child I worked with while I was there. I saw some of my kids- and it was the perfect day! They are such a cool family:

movingmountainshubleystyle.blogspot.com/

We ended going to a (ridiculously crazy nice) hotel and hung out with them and had dinner. I couldn't have enjoyed Sunday more... Rebekah and I:

School was AMAZING today, we were all energetic and happy and worked hard and I couldn't have asked for a better day. Oh, and Nickenson was there too :) Not for the best reasons though :( His fever has come back, and a swollen lymphoid under his armpit has at least doubled in size since He came.

He was gaining weight but now is not eating well again- I got his to eat a whole yogurt today!!!!!! It took since 9:00 this morning, it is now 10:00pm. 13 hours... haha. Some people will see this as patience; I am telling you its me being stubborn. This kid will gain weight and he will live! (of course this is all God-willing, but I obviously want him to.) I will continue to take him during the school day, I like to keep a fan on him and a damp towel to try to keep his temp down, and he sleeps most of the time since he's so sick. When he wakes up he cries and then sees me and smiles :) ahh, he melts my heart. I'll keep everyone posted on him... thanks for the continued prayers!!

Why am I always surprised by the perfection of God and His ways, when everything He does is perfect? You'd think I'd learn, or get used to it or something... nope. Once again, in awe of His Perfection:

So Sunday we drove into Port for church, and I can't tell you how amazing the service was for me. The speaker was so honest and spoke about his struggles with humility. His first thing that really struck me was when he said that we don't grow a relationship with God. You either are in a relationship with God or you aren't. I realized: there's nothing in between. Now, within that I assume one can either have a good or bad relationship. There are places we can grow within our relationships but if we've initiated it, its there. So the feelings of closeness to God will come and go but thats not what it's about; thats just icing on the cake. And then he went on to talk about obedience. And how thats all God wants from us. If we obey Him- do His will and give what He asks of us, then He will continue to bless us.

What I have though about since Sunday is how the blessings we receive from God are EXTRA. He does not owe them to us. If we feel great about what we are doing after then it is a gift from God. He had blessed me SOO much with this. Too much- to the point where I started to doubt my obedience and question His will for me. This is me being foolish. I'm glad I'm foolish because it adds to why I need God :) Why He made me to be a part of this mission in Haiti I will never know. Why He blessed me with the passion for it, I will never know. Why He puts all these doubts in my head? Because it has made me realize the blessings He continues to pour on me. Which brings me to another point the speaker touched on. You might be familiar with the worship song "Let it Rain..."

the chorus is simple:

Let it rain, let it rain.

Open the floodgates of Heaven

let it rain.

Christians (including myself) ask for God to pour His love, His will, His blessings, Himself onto us, to break us, but how many of us pull an umbrella out when it starts to pour?

I did... He blessed me so much, gave me the life I've ached for since I came back from Haiti the first time(plus some), he brought me back homei and what do I do? Doubt him- pull up the umbrella because it started to pour. The joy in my life, the pain in my life, the brokenness I asked for, the kids I love; they all were given to me after I prayed for them. Then when He blessed me with it all I started to doubt. Maybe these things aren't from God? It's too good... I love my life so much. How can I be so happy doing these things that are supposedly God's will when so many people struggle with doing God's will? I imagine God was laughing at me. He has given me everything; and just as easily He can take it away.... but none of that matters. I just need to OBEY him; there's nothing else to it! If God has chosen to bless me with happiness right now, who am I to doubt that happiness!! And if He choses to take that away, I still know where God wants me right now. I know He made me for this lifestyle- everything about me is perfect for these kids. My stubbornness, my determination, the fact that I don't really care about a lot of things other people do, the fact that my heart breaks just enough for these kids that I work for them but also the fact that the sometimes hopeless situations seem not to depress me. All me strengths and weaknesses make me perfect for my current life.

I can't describe Haiti like I want to- and I want everyone to understand it; and thats been a problem in my life. But I can tell stories, and share what I feel (which is often hard for me). But God has called me to this and I must obey. Because thats the only thing that will make me real. Without obedience, there is no relationship- Christians have one job: to obey God's will. Through that we will be loved by God, we will grow, we'll hurt, rejoice, be broken, be repaired only to fall even harder and be broken again, help others, hurt others, laugh, sin, live.

It's Friday :)

2009-10-16T08:36:00.000-07:00

It's already Friday, and even though the week was great I am ready for the weekend. Ready to spend more time with the kids downstairs, and just have two days without school. We have had fun now that Carmelo is back from his trip to the states talking about everything he did there and enjoying some of the art supplies they brought back for school. The boys LOVE a bag of sponges and we had some fun sponging stars onto eachothers' faces.

Trey:

Henley:

Carmelo:

I have been a little sick, possibly why I am ready for a break. My whole body broke out in a rash- red dots covered me head to toe last Saturday. Then we went to church on Sunday, we drove into Port for service. Half way through I got really dizzy and went to lay down outside on some grass. The rash got worse and didn't start to go away until yesterday. It was accompanied by a fever which I was able to keep under control with Tylenol. I felt better around Tuesday and then spent all night Wednesday throwing up, so Thursday was a long day- not much energy on my side and overflowing on the boys' side. Haha. Today I am feeling 98% and last night was a blast. The container that the Rescue Center has been waiting for finally arrived and we got our first truckload to go through. Everything from meds to fabric to clothing, canned food, school supplies for the community, soap- SO MUCH STUFF! It was exciting and took a while to go through everything, tonight we'll have more.

Nickenson is doing AMAZING. Well, considering I thought he would die the day he got here his progress has been miracle after miracle. He coos now when I talk to him and gasps in excitement when I kiss him. His ribs are filling in and he is starting not to vomit everything he eats. He is no longer losing weight, and has actually started to gain. He is now 10 months and just over nine pounds. His fever is under control and his muscles have started to relax. He will open and close his hands and look at them- HUGE progress. I take him every day after school and have started to mix his meds with yogurt and feed him pieces of cheese which he loves. He hasn't vomited any of his meds on me for 3 days now PRAISE GOD! He has become a distraction to my online class... this pic about sums up how I write essays... or rather what I do instead:

Yesterday we had a little boy come in whose eye ball had exploded. Malnourishment is not a pretty thing people. It was SO sad. His other eye was close to doing the same, and he could not see. His hands were freezing and his feet and legs were swollen with kwash. He was lifeless, and didn't even cry in pain despite the CRAZY amount of agony his body must have been through. After being here and hour or so he started gasping, and we all knew he was dying. His mom had come with him, his little sister and his older brother and was lying about everything. The situation was chaotic and sad. His name was Peterson and he died about 5 hours after getting here. They will bury him this morning, as his mom left right after he died- not wanting the responsibility of washing and dressing him and digging a grave for him. I've been told this is pretty common...

We have many creature friends here in Haiti, but this one was picture worthy. Disgusting, and it may look small but think of the size of a toilet. This thing was at least 5 inches long.

Last night’s devotional thoughts: bits and pieces from my mind.

2009-10-07T05:25:00.000-07:00

First off this is long, and goes on and on. I was going to try to type about something else but my mind wandered and this came out. I didn’t mean for it to turn out like this but it did, and it’s typed so I’m posting it. Enjoy, or ignore, or laugh at it ( I know I will if I ever go back and read it) … just my silly mind churning.

Selfless. I’ve struggled with this word a lot in the last year. What does it mean to be selfless when it comes to working for God? With my current life I get a lot of “If other people were as selfless as you our world would be better.” It makes me feel weird and think about what being selfless looks like. In my mind a selfless person gives from every area of their lives for no reason other than following God’s teachings in the Bible. The selfless person is not rewarded for giving, they don’t give in a manner that is boastful or self-serving and their actions are driven by the will to please God, not the will to please themselves. Unfortunately when I lay down to go to sleep at night, if I’m not completely exhausted, I lay there and think too much. Lately I’ve been thinking about how God works when it comes to his plan for us. After I came from Haiti the first time I wanted SO bad to go back. I prayed that I could go back. Nothing happened; it wasn’t until way later that RHFH rescue center came into my life as an option. The dictionary definition of selfish:

1.	devoted to or caring only for oneself; concerned primarily with one's own interests, benefits, welfare, etc., regardless of others.

2.	characterized by or manifesting concern or care only for oneself: selfish motives

…By this definition I can honestly tell you that me being in Haiti is purely selfish. I like the people here, the kids here, the culture, the music, the lifestyle, the fact that everyone is thankful for everything. It makes me feel like life is more than worth living and that’s why I come here. I know the drastic difference between a kid who has gotten food and love and one that has been neglected and starved. I know that a child who hasn’t received proper care will benefit from even just an hour a day of my time. It makes me SO happy when these kids take their first step at the age of 3, or mumble their first word because I taught them it. I love working with Henley, Trey and Carmelo and being able to teach them in Christian books, because every day I'm learning too. These are ALL selfish reasons… Does good come out of it? I think so, yes. Do I deserve this life? No… Am I thankful for it? SO much- but I hate the fact that what I love is looked at as a “good” thing in our society; something that a selfless person would do. It might be, but that doesn’t mean I’m selfless in any way- no one is. It makes me wonder if I am doing it for me or for God. Would I be doing it if people thought it was wrong? Would I move here if everyone saw it as a foolish thing and if I had no support back home? I don’t know, I like to think yes but I really will never know because that’s not my reality.

I have often prayed for God’s desire to become my heart’s desire. Did God answer that prayer, or am I just content doing this because the people in my life support me… and it’s easy to think I am doing work for God when I’m really just going through the motions. And if God did answer that prayer, and my desire and love for this life is through Him then what’s next? In my mind, giving should not be easy. It should be sacrificial, and from the heart I don’t know if this is what God has in mind, but I’ve always felt that giving should be hard. I don’t have a whole bunch of money to just give up and stuff to sell. I don’t know what to give. I have nothing to give except time. I am giving that time to something that brings me joy, I get to hang out with kids all day… think about it! My current life could not be any more perfect in my eyes, but what about in God’s eyes? I drive myself nuts with these questions and thoughts, and I think sometimes revelations come out of it and other times I just don’t get much sleep. So far, no revelation. How do we ever know if we are doing stuff for God, or for ourselves; is it possible that it can be for both and the same?

Sometimes I feel God’s presence so strongly that it makes me smile in the middle of whatever I’m doing. Other times I just don’t feel him. I think all Christians go through ups and down in their relationships with God, just as we do with friends, or just as couples do. If we know in our hearts that God is there, but struggle with our faith at times, would God rather us turn away until we fall and then return, or go through the motions until we “feel” him? I feel like a lot of times I go through the motions. Like I know what the bible tells us to do, so I do it because I figure that even if I don’t feel really close to God I’m still working for Him. Or is everything based on intention with God… if we give, but don’t do it with the right intention does it matter to Him anyway? Or are our motions without good intentions just as pointless as not doing anything at all. Some of the strongest Christians I’ve met all have a great testimony, one of huge trials, where they weren’t living the Christian lifestyle and then made a decision to devote their lives to God at some point. Or they grew up Christian, went through a rebellious stage and then came back to Christ with a burning passion for Him. At this point they gave up their old lifestyle or huge house, or started work in ministry.

I have always believed in God. I never won’t, I know he’s there and it’s a fact I can’t deny… but there are times when I become a lazy Christian and don’t pursue Him and his work. I take God for granted, and sometimes I wish I knew what life felt like without Him because it might make me appreciate life with Him more. I don’t do the typical “bad” thing, I don’t murder, I don’t steal, do drugs, curse, drink, I try not to lie etc. But I also don’t always talk to people about God when I’m given a perfect opportunity, or treat people like I should, or give a task 100%. These are just as bad in my mind. So will I go through the "rebellious" stage? I don’t think so- it’s just not in me. I can’t deny God’s existence because in my mind that would just be ridiculous. So when do I change, where’s my big moment where I all the sudden can’t do anything but think of God in everything I do. Or do I not get one… or is mine gradual, just a continuous growth of love for God that will never be perfect but strengthen with time. I can’t wait for an answer, so in the meantime I work in areas that God’s words teach, and those times that I feel close to Him I know it’s all worth it.

Nickenson

2009-10-04T18:49:00.000-07:00

3 days, and deeply in love.

This is Nickenson. He came here on Thursday, and is HIV positive. Lori told me about him, because I had asked her about HIV kids and she said they rarely took them and that pretty much every one had died within 6 hours of coming. Nickenson's mom died and his dad has been caring for him... the best he could. He's extremely malnourished and sick. He's had a fever for over 3 months now and his dad just couldn't do it anymore, he needed to go find work. On Friday I took him right after school with the boys and had him for 5 hours. He vomited anything he drank and couldn't keep down his meds. Every day I've taken him and he's still carrying a high fever. He's continued to lose weight, and has no meat on his bones. He needs prayer. Today, I got a smile from him and it melted my heart.... The day he got here I asked Lori if she thought he'd make it and she said that she didn't think he would- she has seen too many kids like him. I still hold hope, I havn't had the experience she has with these kids and I am convinced that God can perform a miracle and save him if it's in His plan. I just couldn't believe I got the smile- one of the haitian staff walked in the room when he was smiling and said "he knows how to smile?" :)

I don't know if he's ever smiled before but it literally made my week- I've been so worried for him and still am, but I couldn't help think back to Tex-snaider, a kid that I had at GLA for almost two months. He passed away without smiling once for me, and it broke my heart. It still does- he was over two years old and I worked with him every day, and his life had been so rough that I couldn't break his depression.

The way Nickenson looks at me is indescribable- so pure. It's like he's never looked into someone else's eyes before. He just stares... None of us know if Nickelson will make it, but please pray for him, his body- that he breaks through the fever and begins to gain weight. That he continues to smile and fight for his life. I thank God for getting to love on this kiddo, he's my current "project" and the first thought in my head when I wake up- I love that feeling... it was the same with Berlancia :)

hope everyone has a blessed week!

Forts, Celebration, and Rainbows

2009-10-01T07:06:00.000-07:00

So the fort we went to last Friday was probably the coolest thing I’ve seen. Maybe it’s just that I’m getting older that I appreciate historical stuff more, or maybe it’s because I’m in Haiti- either way it was awesome. The drive there took a good 2 hours both ways and we took a huge full bus. We wound on the gravel road, and I’m proud to say I didn’t get sick. Danger signs were scattered on the road- it was hilarious. One woman in particular was so scared that we were going to die- the whole bus sang worship songs before the trip and prayed for a safe drive. During the drive they were praying we’d make it and same on the way back. Once we got there it was about half a mile hike up the mountain to the base of the fort… here’s what it looked like from where we parked:

The Haitian men were like little boys, exploring every crevice of the place. There is one part of the wall which has an opening about the size of a small teenager. You can fit your head into it and look to the left where it stretches about 20 feet, only 2 feet wide. And then nothing… no one knows what it was for, there were many discussions but it remains a mystery. The smaller Haitian men had a blast squeezing back as far as they could into it until they couldn’t fit any further and then coming out covered in dust. I can’t even express how happy the men were to play there. I had walked across the mountain to a separate “building”… more remains, only to look back and see about 10 middle-aged men running, crouched down low to the ground, carrying their imaginary guns- acting as though they were soldiers being invaded by the French. It was a blast… and once we got back to the clinic, in the hot bus we had a mini worship service led by one of the men to thank God for the great day. There’s something about the sincerity of Haitians when they praise God that is so honest, so real…

School has been going well, the boys are high energy, but also smart and well-behaved so as long as I have energy and encourage them they do great. Their reading has already improved! Carmelo left for the states with his mom and they will be gone for 2 weeks. He was SO excited to go, and it will be a fun trip for them- I am having him journal everyday and take lots of pictures. One of his assignments when he gets back will be a book of his trip.

There has been a 3 day celebration going on outside our gate for Cazale, each area in Haiti has their day of the year to celebrate, and of course it’s necessary to celebrate the day before and after. Huge bonfires light up the night sky, and music has been blaring nonstop since Saturday night. It goes all day and all night. Popular Haitian bands travel from across Haiti to perform live, and it’s pretty much like having them in my room at night. It’s lively and exciting but hard to get the boys to focus with all the noise during school, and after not sleeping 2 nights ago, I resorted to taking Benadryl 2 nights ago. I slept for 10 hours J

Celebration means chaos for the clinic and rescue center. Lori and the Haitian nurses are up all night sewing people up. It is Lori’s least favorite time of the year… drunken men come in with injuries at 3am and need to be sewn up. She tells me many of them pass out on the table and wake up to see a white woman with a needle sewing them up and freak out. Lori printed out welcome signs and pictures and had them strung across the streets in front of our house, and then inside the clinic… it’s very festive, yesterday the craziness started to calm down

Yesterday I walked out into the yard and saw the biggest rainbow I have ever seen, there were actually 2 but the one was gorgeous. The pictures don’t even get close to doing it justice (i wish you could all have seen it), but they give an idea. The kids just learned what the rainbow meant in bible lessons, and we finger painted a rainbow... so it was cool to be able to remind them of God’s promise to us with such a great visual.

When Trey, the youngest has a really fun/good day at school he always says, “Teacher, thank you for you finish school wif us!” so cute :)

Almost done with week 1!

2009-09-24T14:45:00.000-07:00

Wow, this week went quick! School has been good- a lot to get used to for both the boys and I. Carmelo (7th grade) has done ALL of his previous schooling online with a video teacher talking him through it all. Now he has to read all of his instruction and read the text in his textbooks and workbook. A lot of reading to get used to. Henley and Trey are not strong enough readers to read a direction and comprehend what it is telling them to do. They are amazing students but until we get to the point where they can read a problem I will be making up the curriculum to strengthen their reading comprehension. It's fun and weird making up kids school- I didn't thing I would actually be doing any lesson plans, but its another new thing that I get to tackle. We do a full hour of art everyday which the boys LOVE and so do I, its a good break from all the bookwork.
Two babies have died since I've come, neither of which I had spent time with- the one was only a couple months old and died of heart failure. The other a little girl, came in two days ago and died yesterday. Licia told me before she died she was tending to her and saw that her fists were clamped shut. Her fingernails had grown so long that they cut into the palm of her hands and it was all scabbed. When Licia pried her fingers open she saw that her fingers had begun to rot- she could see all the way to her bones on the inside of her fingers. She told me only once before had she seen a babies body literally beginning to decompose before they actually passed. The little girl died yesterday. This is the reality of Haiti. Kids are literally dead before they die here. Body and mind- they don't get the amount of nutrition they need if they even get food at all and their bodies wither away. They dont get the attention a kid should get and stimulation enough for their mind to even have the desire to live. It's horrible what happened to this little girl but I know her story got me thinking... and hopefully her life will touch others too.
Tomorrow instead of having school we are going, with 27 Haitians packed into some sort of bus, to a fort that was recently discovered up in the mountains. When Haiti rose up for independence from France they built many forts all throughout Haiti to fight if they needed to... they never did so in Haiti history books it speaks of these forts. Ive been to one, close to where I was last time in Haiti but this one was in the history books and no one knew where it was. It will be fun to get to be one of the first to go see it- apparently the community around it is now making a road so it will be accessible and everyone in Cazale is prideful and excited about finding it. So it should be a fun trip!
Two days ago the generator died so weve been running the house on and extention chord hooked up to a small generator downstairs- it gave us one fan at night to sleep with. Because there arent any plug in lights it was PITCH dark. Ive never experienced that kind of darkness. there are no streetlights or anything here so literally I felt blind. Once I found my cell phone I had that, but when it ran out of batteries I went to bed. The sound of rats running around was enough for me to turn it in... haha. About an hour ago the generator was fixed and its amazing. God is good! It makes me appreciate lights and fans and computers and refrigerators so much more :)
Hope everyone has a good weekend!
Anna

Cazale- my new home.

2009-09-18T06:49:00.000-07:00

I'm back in Haiti and already can tell I am going to love the year ahead of me. The family is great and the kids are so fun. I will be homeschooling 3 boys during the weekdays, we are starting school this Monday:
Carmelo (7th grade)
Henley (2nd grade)
Trey (1st grade)

Henley and Trey are both biological children to Enoch(Haitian) and Licia(American). Licia has lived here now 15 years working side-by side with her sister, Lori, and their Dad, Zach. I have not met their father yet, as he's in the states. Carmelo is Haitian and being adopted by Licia and Enoch; and he just received his visa to go to the states and he and Licia are both ecstatic. He has never been and is full of questions and excitement. They will leave next Monday and he'll just take school with him. Hes excited for certain things he has heard about from the rest of his family; his eyes twinkle as he talks about eating a cheeseburger from McDonald's and going to Wal-mart for the first time. Licia tells him Wal-mart is a place where you buy stuff and its so big that you can't see the back of the store from the entrance. He is shocked and amazed that they give you food on a plane, and there's a hole where you can hook up headphones into in your seat! He's so cute with his disbelief and I am excited for him- what a crazy week they'll have! Can you imagine not even being able to wrap your head around where the toilet takes the flushed water? Or how a store could be bigger than you can see from the entrance. Or the fact that you can buy any kind of food you want- and not even that, but most of the food he has never heard of. It will be the trip of a lifetime for Carmelo!

I am at a place where they have two main ministries going on. There is the rescue center where kids are taken in, severely malnourished, burned, injured etc and they care for them until they are healthy enough to go home to their families, or get adopted (Guess where I'll be during my spare time). Then there is the clinic, which is open Mon-Thurs form early morning to 5ish where people come in from all over for anything and everything. People come in who need cuts sewn up, help for their sick family member or themselves, pregnant woman about to go into labor, and anything you can and can't imagine.

Yesterday I was up in the school area getting myself familiar with all the subjects and figuring out a schedule, I got called down to the clinic where Licia asked me if I liked blood and gore. I followed her into a small room where a 19 year old young woman (so... my age last year) lay spread legged ready to have a baby. They don't often deliver at the clinic but this woman was extremely swollen and contracting, and when I came in the baby had already crowned. The mom had only seen a doctor once when she first was pregnant and had no care since then. Her family was mad at her for getting pregnant and left her at the clinic, so Lori had no choice but to deliver. Scared she would tear and loose too much blood Lori cut her and short after the baby was born, a little girl. Mom was trembling and hurt but Lori and the Haitian staff were able to talk her through it. It was the first time I saw a birth in person. They let me cut the umbilical chord and I sat with the seconds old child while Lori felt the mother's stomach for the placenta. She felt a hard spot and after a few seconds realized moms not done.

There was a second child- they were fraternal, so in different sacks. The baby was positioned on the mothers right side and breach. Lori was able to push the baby down but worried that there would be complications with the baby coming out feet first. She cut the baby's sack once it was in sight and two little feet popped out. After some pushing, the torso and one arm appeared. Not good news... Lori explained to all of us that the babies arm could be caught over it's head and when coming out could possibly break it's collarbone. We all prayed as she delivered the second girl and one we heard crying, everyone knew a miracle had just happened. The mom then delivered the placenta (nasty) and Lori sewed her back up. By the time the twins were born, the woman's father and sister had come back and helped name them: Mirlanda and Jolanda. Please pray for this new mother and her girls- that they are healthy and strong. Pray that the mother of surprise twins finds food for her family every day and that she is able to care for them. Pray that her family stays by her side and that they see the miracle that God gave them in these two baby girls alive, and that the mother realizes how lucky she is to still be alive. It was definitely a cool way to be "initiated" into the lifestile this family lives...

It is beyond hot here, and for those of you who know me well that says a lot. I am constantly sweating and can't get enough fan time. The family takes a walk every day, and the surroundings are beautiful. We walked about 3 miles yesterday along a road that went through mountains, and we watched the sun set behind the ocean in the distance. We are going on a 7 mile hike in about an hour... Licia and Lori are full of stories about the flood that happened not too long ago, and the Haitian culture and their neighbors. Its so cool that they share so much already.
Well, that's about long enough for today, I will continue to post as time allows
here is the blog website for the rescue center... Licia posts often and is far better at it than I am :)
http://haitirescuecenter.wordpress.com/

One Year.

2009-08-29T13:11:00.000-07:00

Its been one year since the worst day of my life, last year on September 29th Berlancia passed away, about 2 and a half months after I left Haiti from my 9 month trip there. Its been the best and the worst year of my life since then. SO much has happened in this past year and all of it changed my life for the better.
Berlancia had full blown AIDS and I worked with her all 9 months at GLA. She wasn't on my initial list of kids when I got there the first day, but my second day there, the volunteer coordinator asked me to take her all day as well as still taking my other kids for an hour each. He told me she was a failure to thrive child, and wasn't developing. Every day with her was a challenge, one that I found myself wanting the night to go quicker for so I could have another day with her. She was sick at least every two weeks with a high fever, constipation, and an ongoing ear infection which she had for her whole life. Berlancia's spirit was indescribable. I found myself missing her if I went out on the weekends, and wanting to stay as late as I could after dinner with her until we went up to the house where we slept. I can't imagine where I would be in life right now if God hadn't brought Berlancia and I together for those 9 months, and I also don't understand His timing in taking her. I don't think I ever will. She had an adoptive family, loving parents and siblings waiting for the day they got to see their daughter and sister face-to-face. They never did.

She changed my life more than anyone will ever understand, and my whole passion for Haiti is in memory of her. She was perfect in every way- the way she laughed, looked at me, reached for me, smiled, got jealous when i spent time with other kids. I will never forget her first time standing up by herself, her first steps, the way she yelled at me, the way I went around the corner and waited for a while and would peek back, and there she sat smiling- knowing I would come back. Even when she was sick, I loved how she would just lay on me, and be able to get completely relaxed in my arms. I miss the Haitian staff knowing me as "mama Berlancia" and handing her to me every morning when I walked in, her diaper full and then handing me a clean diaper for after her bath in the wagon. I miss everything about her.

I have no doubt in my mond that Berlancia would have grown up to be a strong, loving and loved person in this world. She fought with spirit and spunk until the end and I will never forget her. She is the reason I am go back to Haiti and has opened my heart to serving others, despite the pain it can cause. In the long-run having 9 months with Berlancia was worth the hurt and sadness it caused me when she died, and still causes me. People ask me if it's hard working in Haiti, its a hard question to answer... only having been there less than a year I've gone through the hardest things I've ever had to, but I've also gotten to experience the most amazing things ever. So I guess it is hard, but after having been there it would be harder living here and not being able to experience those things.

Theres a movie I love called beyond borders, and I would recommend it just for this quote- it sums up my life in a way that is hard to express in words. A man whos life is devoted to working on bettering lives in a thirdworld country is responding to someone's concern about pain in a surgery without painkillers... his response to the woman:

"We drown it. Kill it. Numb it, anything not to feel. You know, when I was a doctor in London, no one ever said 'medahani'. They don't thank you like they thank you here. Cos here they feel everything, straight from God. There's no drugs, no painkillers. It's the weirdest, purest thing - suffering. And when you've seen that kind of courage in a li... - (pauses, tears well up) -... in a child... How could you ever want to do anything but just hold him in your arms?"

That is exactly what has happened to me... and now all I want to do is be in Haiti...

Thank you Berlancia for showing me that courage and loving me. Thank you for teaching me more than any course in school could teach and showing me more about life just through your spirit, I will never forget you.

This is a poem a good friend Rhyan wrote and sent me right after Berlancia died:

Although I was not her mother

I cared for her each day,

I cuddled, sang and read to her

And watched her as she played.

I saw each new accomplishment,

I helped her grow and learn.

I understood her language,

I listened with concern.

She came to me for comfort,

And I kissed away her tears.

She proudly showed her work to me,

I gave the loudest cheers!

No, I was not her mother,

But my role wass just as strong.

I nurtured her and kept her safe,

Though maybe not for long.

And now this time has come,

When we will have to part.

But I know this child I cared for,

Is forever in my heart!

Here is a link to a video Rhyan made for Berlancia... who is now dancing in heaven

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wW-MHhWbX7Q&eurl=http://www.becausehecalled.blogspot.com/&feature=player_embedded#t=14

a life worth living.

2009-08-09T23:49:00.000-07:00

If you were to ask a group of people what they want to accomplish before they die, I would bet that a majority of the people would mention something about helping others, or touching just one person.. so many people strive to affect others or help just one person in life. Sabrina passed last night, well exceeding most people's ambitions. She passed peacefully in her host mothers arms and could not have been more loved by us all. In her short life she not only changed my life, but touched everyone who saw her through her journey. A Haitian man who works at GLA came up to me while I was tube-feeding Sabrina and said "I was scared of her the day she came in. Her head made me forget that she was just a baby." He is also the man that would come in sometimes to do something and when he walked in the room he'd say her name and often got distracted by talking to her for a short while before he went off to continue what he actually had come to do. Just by living through an impossible situation for as long as she did, Sabrina opened minds to many and allowed us to love her for what she was most importantly- a child of God. Nothing else matters, whether she had a brain makes no difference to the value of her life in God's eyes and because of that I and many others who were blessed enough to know her during her time on earth got to learn from her. I am still a bit in shock, it wasn't something anyone expected and it isn't an easy thing to be positive about everything when I know how much work people did to get her to the states and how many people were praying for her, but I do know that she could not be in a better place, so there is peace in that. Not only will I miss her and remember her forever, she is the reason I went back to Indiana and found out about a place called Real Hope For Haiti Rescue Center...

"Falling Into Place"

2009-08-07T22:36:00.000-07:00

It's interesting how we use the term "falling into place" when things all seem to go right in some area in our lives, but I don't believe things fall into place, rather God puts them into place to help us realize His will for us and assure us that He is in control of our lives when we ask Him to. While visiting with Rebekah right before I left, she was showing me pictures of a place in Haiti which takes in severe cases of anything and everything. The RHFH rescue center in Cazale, Haiti is a medical heaven for the country of Haiti and Rebekah mentioned how much I would enjoy going there. She casually said the couple who ran it had been searching for a teacher for their 3 boys for a while. Rebekah sent off an email asking if they were still in need of a teacher and the next day I flew to Minnesota to visit Jane, an amazing friend who I met in Haiti my first trip. The day after I came to MN, I recieved a phone call from Rebekah saying to check my email, she had forwarded me an email from Licia, the mother of the 3 boys at the rescue center, who was still searching for a teacher and very anxious to find out more about me. Within a couple days of emailing her I was ready to commit, and after talking to the first teacher the boys had, for 6 monthslast year, I knew for sure and sent off an email telling her "yes." Today I recieved a ticket confirmation in my inbox... I am moving to Haiti on September 14th. I am SO excited and can't believe how quick and perfect things happen when God is in charge. Every timeI had pursued some opportunity in Haiti before it really just didnt seem perfect or right, it took me taking the backseat for everything to happen. The place I am going is an established rescue center in Haiti and I can't express how blessed I feel to get to be a part of it... here is a link to the website- check it out!! It's amazing

http://haitirescuecenter.wordpress.com/

Missing Sabrina from Minnesota

2009-07-27T23:27:00.000-07:00

SOOO sorry I haven't updated everyone back home on Sabrina. It's been a crazy ride. She is doing well and now with her host family in Indianapolis where she will stay most likely a month until she goes to her adoptive family. I can't say surgery day was an easy day but I think it went best for Sabrina, as there were no complication! God is good... Stephanie, her host mom is a peds nurse and Sabrina could not be in better hands :) She is doing much better since surgery and although not seizure free they are much more under control and calmer. She is now taking up to an ounce through bottle feeding, a huge improvement from vomiting if we tried before I brought her over. It was hard leaving her but much easier having gotten to stay with her host family for the week or so during/after surgery and knowing how much they love her and are more than equip to take care of her! I am now in Minnesota where I am visiting a dear friend, Jane who was in Haiti for 6 months of my first trip and we are soon leaving to go to Manitoba for another friends wedding! It is all much needed distraction from being away from Haiti and Sabrina and I have been looking forward to it all school year so it is great! Before I left Rebekah took some pics of Sabrina and they are AMAZING :) she's such a stunning baby.

my pic app isn't working but I will post them later, and thanks again for all the continued prayer for Sabrina. She has already done so much in her life touching others and we are praying her brain will just grow and God will perform a miracle in her.

Baby Sabrina: My life for the last 2 months.

2009-07-19T13:35:00.000-07:00

This is Sabrina. She was born in Haiti with hydroanecephaly... a combination of cerebral spinal fluid in her head and a lack of brain. In her case she has a brain stem but no cerebellum. She was born on May 20th while I was in Indiana visiting the Hubleys; the adoptive family of Wendjy-love (now Jonas) who I had for 8 months in Haiti last year while I volunteered at GLA. We first had a doctor in Sacramento who was going to take her as a patient on a medical visa but as soon as he received the CT scan he politely declined her case. My family had agreed to host her after the surgery and it that moment was the first of many lows in the roller coaster ride of getting Sabrina to the US on a medical visa. Hands that Heal: and organization Rebekah Hubley (the adoptive mother of Jonas) started, bringing Haitians into the states on medical visas for surgeries. Their blog is at handsthatheal.blogspot.com.... it has posts from the whole process of getting this beautiful child of God home.

I went to Haiti June 8th for a week to take her back to Indiannapolis for surgery and actually left Haiti a month later on July 15th and arrived just in time as she had become worse and worse gradually. The travels went well, especially after starting out for the airport at a degree of 92.7F. After holding her close through the airport and on the first plane she warmed up and although a long day we made it. Her seizures got MUCH worse on the trip home and then continued to worsten when her host mother, Stephanie took her to the ER the night before surgery was scheduled. She had surgery on Friday and was discharged from the hospital last night and is doing well. I was a mess the whole day of surgery, as I had slept 4 hours in the 2+ days since I had left Haiti and was worried because of her high likelyhood that she would have comlications during surgery. She is now vomiting 95% less and her seizures are much less frequent. PRAISE GOD!!

Her future is still unknow to all but God, and her diagnosis is easy to be discouraged by but we all know God has brought her her for a reason and whatever happens to her will be Perfect and His plan. I have stayed with Stephanie to help a little for her first few days and will stay probably through tuesday. She is a peds nurse, and could not be in better hands and I can't describe the relief knowing she will be in this home for recovery... God is good. It will be hard to leave her, I am dreading the day but the rest of the summer is filled with travel and visiting dear friends so I will manage- and hopefully updates will come often as to how she is. Thanks for all the prayers and please continue to pray for a miracle for this child of God and for brain growth.

These people made her trip to the US possible- I thank God for all of you every day...

Dixie- founder of the orphanage GLA in Haiti where Sabrina was first given a chance and gave up time and sanity to get her ready to leave Haiti.
Susan- a nurse selflessly sacrificing her time to care for the children at GLA and she was an amazing nurse to Sabrina until I took her to the states. I couldn't have done it without all your help and training :)

Rebekah- founder of Hands that Heal and put her whole heart and soul and MANY hours into getting Sabrina legally ready to come to Indiana

Stephanie- AMAZING nurse who was more than willing to love and care for Sabrina after her surgery.

Dr. Young- For taking on Sabrina and donating your time and talents to those who need it most- for Sabrina who would literally not have had a chance without you

EVERYONE back home and all around the world for praying for Sabrina.

Above is Sabrina after surgery, doing great :)