So in deciding a big decision in my life I've found myself completely lost and confused. My heart and my gut feeling are at war. I had to decide whether to stay here or to leave and go back to school next year... So many times I've felt 100% sure that I would be here next year. It feels right here. I love the people, life and work I do here. But then something in me- my gut would turn on me and confuse the heck out of me. Being raised in a society where almost everyone says to follow your heart didn't help in this decision. If I followed my heart I would be in Haiti for the rest of my life, and I would never reach out to anyone or anything uncomfortable for me. My heart doesn't like change, doesn't like different, and doesn't like life outside of Haiti anymore. Last year ALL I wanted was to be back in Haiti forever. I prayed for a sure sign and place to go to. Then I got the perfect opportunity and committed within a week of hearing of RHFH... it couldn't have been more perfect for me- I love the Betor family like my own and everything I've gotten to do with and for them. I love RHFH and the work they do in Haiti is amazing and I want to be a part of their work here as long as God allows. What I have been struggling with is whether more school is in God's plan for me or not. And honestly, all the prayer and thinking and late night worrying has done nothing for me.
Licia and I agreed that I would let her know my decision by May 15th. I want so much to stay here next year. Every emotion in me and everything in my heart screams to never leave Haiti again- because last year was the hardest year of my life. And yet, something in me feels like I have to go to school. That something holds zero reason or passion, and still, I have decided to leave next year. I am not happy about it. I don't have peace with my decision. I don't feel like I need school to be happy, to be smart or to be able to help people. But something in me feels like I have to try one more time... so I will. I don't know if its God calling me or if I am just going crazy but for whatever reason I can't shake the gut feeling... it's still hard thinking about the decision I made- I shocked myself when I said it outloud to Licia.
So July 12th I leave here and don't know when I'll be back.And I will make the best of it- I will try to be a better sister/ daughter/ friend/ student/ person and most of all Christian next year and do my best to make the best out of a decision that I am not quite positive why I am choosing. It will be hard. I know it will kill me some days not being where my heart is and feeling like my life is not where it should be. But I also know that if I don't do this I might have regrets and I believe God is in this decision- maybe He is just testing me to see if I will follow Him wherever He leads... I have never had to make a decision like this where my gut feeling interferes with my emotions. Going to Haiti instead of college straight out of high school was a big decision- but I was excited for it and felt like it was where I was called to. I am feeling called back to the states but not excited about it. My prayer is that wherever God wants me, that is where my heart will also want to be. It sure is easier that way... I guess I just have to learn to trust that no matter where I am, He will make things work out in His timing. So here's to doing my best to stay positive and cherish my last month and a half here... and start planning a trip back of course!
Side note: My mom and sister are coming for two weeks from June 24th- July 7th. I am beyond excited. Really really really stinking excited. My mom visited GLA while I was living there but she's never been to RHFH. My sister has never been to Haiti and I'm stoked she's coming. I can't wait! :D