I don't really like blogging when I'm not in Haiti, mostly because I don't feel like I have anything worth sharing. I don't have kids in my life who need their stories told. When I'm not in Haiti I feel like I'm wasting away- like every day I'm here I take away from what God could be doing through me there. I have accepted that God can work through me here also, but actually embracing that is harder than just acknowledging it. I feel like people here just don't get me anymore. I'm not normal, I don't want to fit in, whatever that means anyways. My perspective on what my professors lecture on is SO far from what the students around me discuss that I don't even see a point in trying to give my view. Church isn't the same since Haiti. I just can't seem to relate to the "problems" that are preached about in churches here. I haven't connected with a college group, I haven't even tried. A couple of my friends listen and care about the person I really am (and I love them dearly)- but just meeting people is different now than before Haiti came into my life. People are either weirded out by my experiences or think it's such an "amazing" deed I have done. Neither of those are easy to deal with for me. The hardest being when people tell me what a great thing I've done in serving "those people." I have accepted that coming to the states after living in Haiti will never be easy; the fact that I accepted that might have actually made it easier than last time I returned. My expectations are low. School is interesting, kind of. I'd rather be in Haiti. My friends are more amazing than I could ask for. I still miss Haiti. Sometimes I wish God had waited to send me to Haiti until I could move there, but then I would be a completely different person.
I had a plan to be positive this year. I have done OK, this week has been a low point. I miss Haiti and need direction in school to feel like it's actually taking me somewhere. Would you mind praying for that for me? That God shows me his plan as far as school, and that I find a college group. I would appreciate it SO much.
I am hoping and planning to go back to Haiti during winter break for a visit. I CAN'T wait. I can't wait to see Darlens. I can't wait to hug Carmelo, Henley and Trey and hear their new school experiences. It's what I have to look forward to, so I can be thankful for that. Thanks for your prayers. They mean more to me than you know.
You know I am praying girl!!!!! :-) When do you want to visit IN???
ReplyDeletelove ya...
Prayers already sent for God to speak loud and clear and for Him to bring the right people and classmates into your life. I know it's hard to stay positive when your not in Haiti. I have no plan as to when I might return and am not working for Nehemiah Vision Ministries anymore. It has been the hardest thing ever.
ReplyDeleteGod will show you the plans. It's just sooooo hard waiting! Will continue to pray for you for direction and a spirit of peace.
Stephanie Mueller
Hey Anna,
ReplyDeleteYou might not remember me, but I was at GLA with you for a few weeks right before you left... anyway I just wanted to say that I sort of understand your feeling of not having direction and knowing what God has for you. I have been praying for so long that God would just show me plain and simple His plan for me... but I guess it's not always as straightforward as that. So anyway, I'll be praying for you.
Christy Becker
Anna,
ReplyDeleteI would love to pray for you. I think about you every week and know that this transition will present a struggle. It is through the struggles that we become more dependent on God. Funny how he does that to us.
Hope all is well with you and that you find college a more enjoyable experience this year.
It is hard for people to understand what they really havn't experienced. We might not (don't) understand another persons experiences either.
Keep blogging.
Debbie Woodward
Anna~
ReplyDeletePraying for you, friend. Praying that God would give you peace and a passion for the work He has set before you at this time.
It is so hard to be back in the states some days...People don't understand the quake, the starving children, the hungry eyes, the pleading souls. I have my good days and days when it is just hard. But I am working on understanding that God doesn't need me in Haiti. He really doesn't need me at all but should He choose to use me to bring Him glory and souls then He will send me again. But for now this is where He wants to use me and mold me into His image so I am learning contentment here. And some days are just hard and feel so empty...But God is good!
Press on in Christ, Anna.
Melanie
Anna--you don't know me at all, but I am a daily RHFH reader, and I just wanted you to know that I am praying for you. I've been thinking a lot about perspective lately, too. Truly--He is the only one who sees our hearts, so it's good to be in His hands and be free to love the people he puts in our lives--even if it's clueless college peers. :-) Praying for His direction in your life and for joy in the journey.
ReplyDeleteIt is quite interesting to see what's selfishly important to people here. I don't think you're negative nor do I think you're cynical. I think when you have a view that seems so far past yourself, or the children or the people you've spent time with, but you focus on something wholly bigger than yourself, its hard to scale back the scope and dig into things that seem like a selfish cause in and of themselves.
ReplyDeleteI'm thankful for the people around me that are able to pick up the situation, turn it over, and look at it from a whole new perspective. And share with me.
I hope someone can do that for you. It may help. Or it might send you back to haiti quicker than you thought. Who knows.