Great Weekend, Greater God.

Everything is going GREAT! We went to GLA after church to visit the adoptive parents of Jonas, the blind child I worked with while I was there. I saw some of my kids- and it was the perfect day! They are such a cool family:

movingmountainshubleystyle.blogspot.com/

We ended going to a (ridiculously crazy nice) hotel and hung out with them and had dinner. I couldn't have enjoyed Sunday more... Rebekah and I:

School was AMAZING today, we were all energetic and happy and worked hard and I couldn't have asked for a better day. Oh, and Nickenson was there too :) Not for the best reasons though :( His fever has come back, and a swollen lymphoid under his armpit has at least doubled in size since He came.

He was gaining weight but now is not eating well again- I got his to eat a whole yogurt today!!!!!! It took since 9:00 this morning, it is now 10:00pm. 13 hours... haha. Some people will see this as patience; I am telling you its me being stubborn. This kid will gain weight and he will live! (of course this is all God-willing, but I obviously want him to.) I will continue to take him during the school day, I like to keep a fan on him and a damp towel to try to keep his temp down, and he sleeps most of the time since he's so sick. When he wakes up he cries and then sees me and smiles :) ahh, he melts my heart. I'll keep everyone posted on him... thanks for the continued prayers!!

Why am I always surprised by the perfection of God and His ways, when everything He does is perfect? You'd think I'd learn, or get used to it or something... nope. Once again, in awe of His Perfection:

So Sunday we drove into Port for church, and I can't tell you how amazing the service was for me. The speaker was so honest and spoke about his struggles with humility. His first thing that really struck me was when he said that we don't grow a relationship with God. You either are in a relationship with God or you aren't. I realized: there's nothing in between. Now, within that I assume one can either have a good or bad relationship. There are places we can grow within our relationships but if we've initiated it, its there. So the feelings of closeness to God will come and go but thats not what it's about; thats just icing on the cake. And then he went on to talk about obedience. And how thats all God wants from us. If we obey Him- do His will and give what He asks of us, then He will continue to bless us.

What I have though about since Sunday is how the blessings we receive from God are EXTRA. He does not owe them to us. If we feel great about what we are doing after then it is a gift from God. He had blessed me SOO much with this. Too much- to the point where I started to doubt my obedience and question His will for me. This is me being foolish. I'm glad I'm foolish because it adds to why I need God :) Why He made me to be a part of this mission in Haiti I will never know. Why He blessed me with the passion for it, I will never know. Why He puts all these doubts in my head? Because it has made me realize the blessings He continues to pour on me. Which brings me to another point the speaker touched on. You might be familiar with the worship song "Let it Rain..."

the chorus is simple:

Let it rain, let it rain.

Open the floodgates of Heaven

let it rain.

Christians (including myself) ask for God to pour His love, His will, His blessings, Himself onto us, to break us, but how many of us pull an umbrella out when it starts to pour?

I did... He blessed me so much, gave me the life I've ached for since I came back from Haiti the first time(plus some), he brought me back homei and what do I do? Doubt him- pull up the umbrella because it started to pour. The joy in my life, the pain in my life, the brokenness I asked for, the kids I love; they all were given to me after I prayed for them. Then when He blessed me with it all I started to doubt. Maybe these things aren't from God? It's too good... I love my life so much. How can I be so happy doing these things that are supposedly God's will when so many people struggle with doing God's will? I imagine God was laughing at me. He has given me everything; and just as easily He can take it away.... but none of that matters. I just need to OBEY him; there's nothing else to it! If God has chosen to bless me with happiness right now, who am I to doubt that happiness!! And if He choses to take that away, I still know where God wants me right now. I know He made me for this lifestyle- everything about me is perfect for these kids. My stubbornness, my determination, the fact that I don't really care about a lot of things other people do, the fact that my heart breaks just enough for these kids that I work for them but also the fact that the sometimes hopeless situations seem not to depress me. All me strengths and weaknesses make me perfect for my current life.

I can't describe Haiti like I want to- and I want everyone to understand it; and thats been a problem in my life. But I can tell stories, and share what I feel (which is often hard for me). But God has called me to this and I must obey. Because thats the only thing that will make me real. Without obedience, there is no relationship- Christians have one job: to obey God's will. Through that we will be loved by God, we will grow, we'll hurt, rejoice, be broken, be repaired only to fall even harder and be broken again, help others, hurt others, laugh, sin, live.

It's Friday :)

It's already Friday, and even though the week was great I am ready for the weekend. Ready to spend more time with the kids downstairs, and just have two days without school. We have had fun now that Carmelo is back from his trip to the states talking about everything he did there and enjoying some of the art supplies they brought back for school. The boys LOVE a bag of sponges and we had some fun sponging stars onto eachothers' faces.

Trey:

Henley:

Carmelo:

I have been a little sick, possibly why I am ready for a break. My whole body broke out in a rash- red dots covered me head to toe last Saturday. Then we went to church on Sunday, we drove into Port for service. Half way through I got really dizzy and went to lay down outside on some grass. The rash got worse and didn't start to go away until yesterday. It was accompanied by a fever which I was able to keep under control with Tylenol. I felt better around Tuesday and then spent all night Wednesday throwing up, so Thursday was a long day- not much energy on my side and overflowing on the boys' side. Haha. Today I am feeling 98% and last night was a blast. The container that the Rescue Center has been waiting for finally arrived and we got our first truckload to go through. Everything from meds to fabric to clothing, canned food, school supplies for the community, soap- SO MUCH STUFF! It was exciting and took a while to go through everything, tonight we'll have more.

Nickenson is doing AMAZING. Well, considering I thought he would die the day he got here his progress has been miracle after miracle. He coos now when I talk to him and gasps in excitement when I kiss him. His ribs are filling in and he is starting not to vomit everything he eats. He is no longer losing weight, and has actually started to gain. He is now 10 months and just over nine pounds. His fever is under control and his muscles have started to relax. He will open and close his hands and look at them- HUGE progress. I take him every day after school and have started to mix his meds with yogurt and feed him pieces of cheese which he loves. He hasn't vomited any of his meds on me for 3 days now PRAISE GOD! He has become a distraction to my online class... this pic about sums up how I write essays... or rather what I do instead:

Yesterday we had a little boy come in whose eye ball had exploded. Malnourishment is not a pretty thing people. It was SO sad. His other eye was close to doing the same, and he could not see. His hands were freezing and his feet and legs were swollen with kwash. He was lifeless, and didn't even cry in pain despite the CRAZY amount of agony his body must have been through. After being here and hour or so he started gasping, and we all knew he was dying. His mom had come with him, his little sister and his older brother and was lying about everything. The situation was chaotic and sad. His name was Peterson and he died about 5 hours after getting here. They will bury him this morning, as his mom left right after he died- not wanting the responsibility of washing and dressing him and digging a grave for him. I've been told this is pretty common...

We have many creature friends here in Haiti, but this one was picture worthy. Disgusting, and it may look small but think of the size of a toilet. This thing was at least 5 inches long.

Last night’s devotional thoughts: bits and pieces from my mind.

First off this is long, and goes on and on. I was going to try to type about something else but my mind wandered and this came out. I didn’t mean for it to turn out like this but it did, and it’s typed so I’m posting it. Enjoy, or ignore, or laugh at it ( I know I will if I ever go back and read it) … just my silly mind churning.

Selfless. I’ve struggled with this word a lot in the last year. What does it mean to be selfless when it comes to working for God? With my current life I get a lot of “If other people were as selfless as you our world would be better.” It makes me feel weird and think about what being selfless looks like. In my mind a selfless person gives from every area of their lives for no reason other than following God’s teachings in the Bible. The selfless person is not rewarded for giving, they don’t give in a manner that is boastful or self-serving and their actions are driven by the will to please God, not the will to please themselves. Unfortunately when I lay down to go to sleep at night, if I’m not completely exhausted, I lay there and think too much. Lately I’ve been thinking about how God works when it comes to his plan for us. After I came from Haiti the first time I wanted SO bad to go back. I prayed that I could go back. Nothing happened; it wasn’t until way later that RHFH rescue center came into my life as an option. The dictionary definition of selfish:

1.	devoted to or caring only for oneself; concerned primarily with one's own interests, benefits, welfare, etc., regardless of others.

2.	characterized by or manifesting concern or care only for oneself: selfish motives

…By this definition I can honestly tell you that me being in Haiti is purely selfish. I like the people here, the kids here, the culture, the music, the lifestyle, the fact that everyone is thankful for everything. It makes me feel like life is more than worth living and that’s why I come here. I know the drastic difference between a kid who has gotten food and love and one that has been neglected and starved. I know that a child who hasn’t received proper care will benefit from even just an hour a day of my time. It makes me SO happy when these kids take their first step at the age of 3, or mumble their first word because I taught them it. I love working with Henley, Trey and Carmelo and being able to teach them in Christian books, because every day I'm learning too. These are ALL selfish reasons… Does good come out of it? I think so, yes. Do I deserve this life? No… Am I thankful for it? SO much- but I hate the fact that what I love is looked at as a “good” thing in our society; something that a selfless person would do. It might be, but that doesn’t mean I’m selfless in any way- no one is. It makes me wonder if I am doing it for me or for God. Would I be doing it if people thought it was wrong? Would I move here if everyone saw it as a foolish thing and if I had no support back home? I don’t know, I like to think yes but I really will never know because that’s not my reality.

I have often prayed for God’s desire to become my heart’s desire. Did God answer that prayer, or am I just content doing this because the people in my life support me… and it’s easy to think I am doing work for God when I’m really just going through the motions. And if God did answer that prayer, and my desire and love for this life is through Him then what’s next? In my mind, giving should not be easy. It should be sacrificial, and from the heart I don’t know if this is what God has in mind, but I’ve always felt that giving should be hard. I don’t have a whole bunch of money to just give up and stuff to sell. I don’t know what to give. I have nothing to give except time. I am giving that time to something that brings me joy, I get to hang out with kids all day… think about it! My current life could not be any more perfect in my eyes, but what about in God’s eyes? I drive myself nuts with these questions and thoughts, and I think sometimes revelations come out of it and other times I just don’t get much sleep. So far, no revelation. How do we ever know if we are doing stuff for God, or for ourselves; is it possible that it can be for both and the same?

Sometimes I feel God’s presence so strongly that it makes me smile in the middle of whatever I’m doing. Other times I just don’t feel him. I think all Christians go through ups and down in their relationships with God, just as we do with friends, or just as couples do. If we know in our hearts that God is there, but struggle with our faith at times, would God rather us turn away until we fall and then return, or go through the motions until we “feel” him? I feel like a lot of times I go through the motions. Like I know what the bible tells us to do, so I do it because I figure that even if I don’t feel really close to God I’m still working for Him. Or is everything based on intention with God… if we give, but don’t do it with the right intention does it matter to Him anyway? Or are our motions without good intentions just as pointless as not doing anything at all. Some of the strongest Christians I’ve met all have a great testimony, one of huge trials, where they weren’t living the Christian lifestyle and then made a decision to devote their lives to God at some point. Or they grew up Christian, went through a rebellious stage and then came back to Christ with a burning passion for Him. At this point they gave up their old lifestyle or huge house, or started work in ministry.

I have always believed in God. I never won’t, I know he’s there and it’s a fact I can’t deny… but there are times when I become a lazy Christian and don’t pursue Him and his work. I take God for granted, and sometimes I wish I knew what life felt like without Him because it might make me appreciate life with Him more. I don’t do the typical “bad” thing, I don’t murder, I don’t steal, do drugs, curse, drink, I try not to lie etc. But I also don’t always talk to people about God when I’m given a perfect opportunity, or treat people like I should, or give a task 100%. These are just as bad in my mind. So will I go through the "rebellious" stage? I don’t think so- it’s just not in me. I can’t deny God’s existence because in my mind that would just be ridiculous. So when do I change, where’s my big moment where I all the sudden can’t do anything but think of God in everything I do. Or do I not get one… or is mine gradual, just a continuous growth of love for God that will never be perfect but strengthen with time. I can’t wait for an answer, so in the meantime I work in areas that God’s words teach, and those times that I feel close to Him I know it’s all worth it.

Nickenson

3 days, and deeply in love.

This is Nickenson. He came here on Thursday, and is HIV positive. Lori told me about him, because I had asked her about HIV kids and she said they rarely took them and that pretty much every one had died within 6 hours of coming. Nickenson's mom died and his dad has been caring for him... the best he could. He's extremely malnourished and sick. He's had a fever for over 3 months now and his dad just couldn't do it anymore, he needed to go find work. On Friday I took him right after school with the boys and had him for 5 hours. He vomited anything he drank and couldn't keep down his meds. Every day I've taken him and he's still carrying a high fever. He's continued to lose weight, and has no meat on his bones. He needs prayer. Today, I got a smile from him and it melted my heart.... The day he got here I asked Lori if she thought he'd make it and she said that she didn't think he would- she has seen too many kids like him. I still hold hope, I havn't had the experience she has with these kids and I am convinced that God can perform a miracle and save him if it's in His plan. I just couldn't believe I got the smile- one of the haitian staff walked in the room when he was smiling and said "he knows how to smile?" :)

I don't know if he's ever smiled before but it literally made my week- I've been so worried for him and still am, but I couldn't help think back to Tex-snaider, a kid that I had at GLA for almost two months. He passed away without smiling once for me, and it broke my heart. It still does- he was over two years old and I worked with him every day, and his life had been so rough that I couldn't break his depression.

The way Nickenson looks at me is indescribable- so pure. It's like he's never looked into someone else's eyes before. He just stares... None of us know if Nickelson will make it, but please pray for him, his body- that he breaks through the fever and begins to gain weight. That he continues to smile and fight for his life. I thank God for getting to love on this kiddo, he's my current "project" and the first thought in my head when I wake up- I love that feeling... it was the same with Berlancia :)

hope everyone has a blessed week!

Forts, Celebration, and Rainbows

So the fort we went to last Friday was probably the coolest thing I’ve seen. Maybe it’s just that I’m getting older that I appreciate historical stuff more, or maybe it’s because I’m in Haiti- either way it was awesome. The drive there took a good 2 hours both ways and we took a huge full bus. We wound on the gravel road, and I’m proud to say I didn’t get sick. Danger signs were scattered on the road- it was hilarious. One woman in particular was so scared that we were going to die- the whole bus sang worship songs before the trip and prayed for a safe drive. During the drive they were praying we’d make it and same on the way back. Once we got there it was about half a mile hike up the mountain to the base of the fort… here’s what it looked like from where we parked:

The Haitian men were like little boys, exploring every crevice of the place. There is one part of the wall which has an opening about the size of a small teenager. You can fit your head into it and look to the left where it stretches about 20 feet, only 2 feet wide. And then nothing… no one knows what it was for, there were many discussions but it remains a mystery. The smaller Haitian men had a blast squeezing back as far as they could into it until they couldn’t fit any further and then coming out covered in dust. I can’t even express how happy the men were to play there. I had walked across the mountain to a separate “building”… more remains, only to look back and see about 10 middle-aged men running, crouched down low to the ground, carrying their imaginary guns- acting as though they were soldiers being invaded by the French. It was a blast… and once we got back to the clinic, in the hot bus we had a mini worship service led by one of the men to thank God for the great day. There’s something about the sincerity of Haitians when they praise God that is so honest, so real…

School has been going well, the boys are high energy, but also smart and well-behaved so as long as I have energy and encourage them they do great. Their reading has already improved! Carmelo left for the states with his mom and they will be gone for 2 weeks. He was SO excited to go, and it will be a fun trip for them- I am having him journal everyday and take lots of pictures. One of his assignments when he gets back will be a book of his trip.

There has been a 3 day celebration going on outside our gate for Cazale, each area in Haiti has their day of the year to celebrate, and of course it’s necessary to celebrate the day before and after. Huge bonfires light up the night sky, and music has been blaring nonstop since Saturday night. It goes all day and all night. Popular Haitian bands travel from across Haiti to perform live, and it’s pretty much like having them in my room at night. It’s lively and exciting but hard to get the boys to focus with all the noise during school, and after not sleeping 2 nights ago, I resorted to taking Benadryl 2 nights ago. I slept for 10 hours J

Celebration means chaos for the clinic and rescue center. Lori and the Haitian nurses are up all night sewing people up. It is Lori’s least favorite time of the year… drunken men come in with injuries at 3am and need to be sewn up. She tells me many of them pass out on the table and wake up to see a white woman with a needle sewing them up and freak out. Lori printed out welcome signs and pictures and had them strung across the streets in front of our house, and then inside the clinic… it’s very festive, yesterday the craziness started to calm down

Yesterday I walked out into the yard and saw the biggest rainbow I have ever seen, there were actually 2 but the one was gorgeous. The pictures don’t even get close to doing it justice (i wish you could all have seen it), but they give an idea. The kids just learned what the rainbow meant in bible lessons, and we finger painted a rainbow... so it was cool to be able to remind them of God’s promise to us with such a great visual.

When Trey, the youngest has a really fun/good day at school he always says, “Teacher, thank you for you finish school wif us!” so cute :)

Almost done with week 1!

Wow, this week went quick! School has been good- a lot to get used to for both the boys and I. Carmelo (7th grade) has done ALL of his previous schooling online with a video teacher talking him through it all. Now he has to read all of his instruction and read the text in his textbooks and workbook. A lot of reading to get used to. Henley and Trey are not strong enough readers to read a direction and comprehend what it is telling them to do. They are amazing students but until we get to the point where they can read a problem I will be making up the curriculum to strengthen their reading comprehension. It's fun and weird making up kids school- I didn't thing I would actually be doing any lesson plans, but its another new thing that I get to tackle. We do a full hour of art everyday which the boys LOVE and so do I, its a good break from all the bookwork.
Two babies have died since I've come, neither of which I had spent time with- the one was only a couple months old and died of heart failure. The other a little girl, came in two days ago and died yesterday. Licia told me before she died she was tending to her and saw that her fists were clamped shut. Her fingernails had grown so long that they cut into the palm of her hands and it was all scabbed. When Licia pried her fingers open she saw that her fingers had begun to rot- she could see all the way to her bones on the inside of her fingers. She told me only once before had she seen a babies body literally beginning to decompose before they actually passed. The little girl died yesterday. This is the reality of Haiti. Kids are literally dead before they die here. Body and mind- they don't get the amount of nutrition they need if they even get food at all and their bodies wither away. They dont get the attention a kid should get and stimulation enough for their mind to even have the desire to live. It's horrible what happened to this little girl but I know her story got me thinking... and hopefully her life will touch others too.
Tomorrow instead of having school we are going, with 27 Haitians packed into some sort of bus, to a fort that was recently discovered up in the mountains. When Haiti rose up for independence from France they built many forts all throughout Haiti to fight if they needed to... they never did so in Haiti history books it speaks of these forts. Ive been to one, close to where I was last time in Haiti but this one was in the history books and no one knew where it was. It will be fun to get to be one of the first to go see it- apparently the community around it is now making a road so it will be accessible and everyone in Cazale is prideful and excited about finding it. So it should be a fun trip!
Two days ago the generator died so weve been running the house on and extention chord hooked up to a small generator downstairs- it gave us one fan at night to sleep with. Because there arent any plug in lights it was PITCH dark. Ive never experienced that kind of darkness. there are no streetlights or anything here so literally I felt blind. Once I found my cell phone I had that, but when it ran out of batteries I went to bed. The sound of rats running around was enough for me to turn it in... haha. About an hour ago the generator was fixed and its amazing. God is good! It makes me appreciate lights and fans and computers and refrigerators so much more :)
Hope everyone has a good weekend!
Anna

Cazale- my new home.

I'm back in Haiti and already can tell I am going to love the year ahead of me. The family is great and the kids are so fun. I will be homeschooling 3 boys during the weekdays, we are starting school this Monday:
Carmelo (7th grade)
Henley (2nd grade)
Trey (1st grade)

Henley and Trey are both biological children to Enoch(Haitian) and Licia(American). Licia has lived here now 15 years working side-by side with her sister, Lori, and their Dad, Zach. I have not met their father yet, as he's in the states. Carmelo is Haitian and being adopted by Licia and Enoch; and he just received his visa to go to the states and he and Licia are both ecstatic. He has never been and is full of questions and excitement. They will leave next Monday and he'll just take school with him. Hes excited for certain things he has heard about from the rest of his family; his eyes twinkle as he talks about eating a cheeseburger from McDonald's and going to Wal-mart for the first time. Licia tells him Wal-mart is a place where you buy stuff and its so big that you can't see the back of the store from the entrance. He is shocked and amazed that they give you food on a plane, and there's a hole where you can hook up headphones into in your seat! He's so cute with his disbelief and I am excited for him- what a crazy week they'll have! Can you imagine not even being able to wrap your head around where the toilet takes the flushed water? Or how a store could be bigger than you can see from the entrance. Or the fact that you can buy any kind of food you want- and not even that, but most of the food he has never heard of. It will be the trip of a lifetime for Carmelo!


I am at a place where they have two main ministries going on. There is the rescue center where kids are taken in, severely malnourished, burned, injured etc and they care for them until they are healthy enough to go home to their families, or get adopted (Guess where I'll be during my spare time). Then there is the clinic, which is open Mon-Thurs form early morning to 5ish where people come in from all over for anything and everything. People come in who need cuts sewn up, help for their sick family member or themselves, pregnant woman about to go into labor, and anything you can and can't imagine.

Yesterday I was up in the school area getting myself familiar with all the subjects and figuring out a schedule, I got called down to the clinic where Licia asked me if I liked blood and gore. I followed her into a small room where a 19 year old young woman (so... my age last year) lay spread legged ready to have a baby. They don't often deliver at the clinic but this woman was extremely swollen and contracting, and when I came in the baby had already crowned. The mom had only seen a doctor once when she first was pregnant and had no care since then. Her family was mad at her for getting pregnant and left her at the clinic, so Lori had no choice but to deliver. Scared she would tear and loose too much blood Lori cut her and short after the baby was born, a little girl. Mom was trembling and hurt but Lori and the Haitian staff were able to talk her through it. It was the first time I saw a birth in person. They let me cut the umbilical chord and I sat with the seconds old child while Lori felt the mother's stomach for the placenta. She felt a hard spot and after a few seconds realized moms not done.

There was a second child- they were fraternal, so in different sacks. The baby was positioned on the mothers right side and breach. Lori was able to push the baby down but worried that there would be complications with the baby coming out feet first. She cut the baby's sack once it was in sight and two little feet popped out. After some pushing, the torso and one arm appeared. Not good news... Lori explained to all of us that the babies arm could be caught over it's head and when coming out could possibly break it's collarbone. We all prayed as she delivered the second girl and one we heard crying, everyone knew a miracle had just happened. The mom then delivered the placenta (nasty) and Lori sewed her back up. By the time the twins were born, the woman's father and sister had come back and helped name them: Mirlanda and Jolanda. Please pray for this new mother and her girls- that they are healthy and strong. Pray that the mother of surprise twins finds food for her family every day and that she is able to care for them. Pray that her family stays by her side and that they see the miracle that God gave them in these two baby girls alive, and that the mother realizes how lucky she is to still be alive. It was definitely a cool way to be "initiated" into the lifestile this family lives...

It is beyond hot here, and for those of you who know me well that says a lot. I am constantly sweating and can't get enough fan time. The family takes a walk every day, and the surroundings are beautiful. We walked about 3 miles yesterday along a road that went through mountains, and we watched the sun set behind the ocean in the distance. We are going on a 7 mile hike in about an hour... Licia and Lori are full of stories about the flood that happened not too long ago, and the Haitian culture and their neighbors. Its so cool that they share so much already.
Well, that's about long enough for today, I will continue to post as time allows
here is the blog website for the rescue center... Licia posts often and is far better at it than I am :)
http://haitirescuecenter.wordpress.com/